Please return tomorrow at this time, for another exciting episode of
Lassie Pushes Timmy Into A Well – AGAIN!
There are two things that burn my ass, about parents who give names to their children – people with no imagination, and people with too damned much imagination. If Elon Musk didn’t own a company that can do things that NASA can’t, he’d be in a small room somewhere, with plastic scissors and paste.
I expect his Seventh son – of 11 children – X Æ A-XII along with siblings Nevada, Kai, Saxon, Griffin, Damian, and Exa Dark Siderael, to sue his father and change his name as soon as it is legally possible.
On the other hand…. A woman in my home town had 5 boys, who she named Douglas, Darcy, David, Dwayne, and Derrick. Even Alan, Bruce, Charlie, Dahlia, and Eddie would mix things up a bit. Then there is Mama Kardashian – Kris – who gave girl K names to all five of her daughters.
Recently, Pensitivity101 posted the Three Word Challenge – POPPY, ROSE, VIOLET. Over the years, we have probably watched as much imported British ‘telly,’ as we have American TV. There was a Brit-Com titled Keeping Up Appearances. The show centered around one of four sisters, who desperately wanted to improve her social standing. Among other things, she insisted that her husband’s lowbrow surname – Bucket – be pronounced Boo-Kay.
A ‘60s flower child-mother had named them Hyacinth, Rose, Violet, and Daisy. Apparently, there was a fifth, Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell daughter/sister named Poppy.
Pensitivity101 gave us some sickness last week. I’m returning it here.
The Mother of Spring Fever – not to be confused with The Mothers Of Invention. A steam train engine is an invention – therefore Necessity is its Mother.
3. What is Scrofula?
It’s another term of endearment that the wife gives me, if I don’t brush my hair immediately upon arising. People who live in glass houses…. Should buy thick drapes.
4. What is Grippe?
A French guy’s moist handshake. 🙄
5. What is Quinsy?
It was a highly successful TV show about a guy who hung around with dead bodies. Americans will watch anything! Where is Magnus Pike when we need him?? Still doing Thomas Dolby videos? 😕
6. What is St Vitus Dance?
It was the 19th century name for what became the 21st century’s rave.
7. What is Dropsy?
It’s a term to describe the result of my age-enhanced essential tremor at the dining table. When I finish a meal, it looks like I passed the food up through the tablecloth. 😳
8. What is Croup?
It is the shortened, familiar name that Americans have given to the casino employee who rakes away your losings with a window-curtain rod, at a blackjack table.
9. What is Ague?
It’s a spirited discussion about whether or not there should be a letter R in that word.
10. What is Apoplexy?
It is trying to read something through the bottom of a soft-drink bottle. That’s why very near-sighted people are said to have ‘Coke bottle glasses.’
I’ve locked and barred the door against a raid from the Woke Police. Bill Cosby used to be funny.
Coz worked some clubs, and dropped a couple of funny albums in the early ‘60s. By 1965 someone felt that it would be a good idea to put him on weekly TV. He appeared in a secret-agent type show called I Spy. Just so that the audience knew which one was the funny one, they teamed him up with Robert Culp, who was a bit intense, and as amusing as a root canal.
They played a pair of secret agents, posing as a couple of tennis bums. It would have been nice to let Coz be the tennis player – like Arthur Ashe was, in real life, but network TV would not allow that. Culp portrayed the tennis player, and Coz was relegated to be his coach/trainer.
Various world tennis tournaments were the excuse for them to be uncovering agents in Mexico City in June, or the Philippines in October. It didn’t work so well for Bratislava in February. During its three-year run, I Spy (sometimes comedically) referenced Russia, China, and Communist Cuba. It also poked fun at social, political, and bureaucratic issues.
It showed that the life of an agent was not all adventure, dames, and champagne. There were after-action reports, and expense account entries that would drive James Bond bonkers. In one show, our Daring Duo submitted an expense claim for $25, for
The gag for the show was that the finance department would not reimburse them without a complete explanation of what it was, and how it was valid. Working in Mexico City, they had made friends with a street photographer, who saw all the comings and goings, as an informant. He would not accept a payment for that, but before they left, he insisted that they let him take the $25 photo portrait of the two of them, as a souvenir.
Speaking poor, heavily-accented English, he told them to “Glass Pants,” and confusion and amusement ensued. After the third command, they finally understood that he wanted them to “clasp hands” and shake like a graduate receiving a diploma from the Dean.
Ah, the Golden Age of television…. I still occasionally view it through the pair of rose-colored glasses that Elton John gave me. I’ll put them away to see you back here in a couple of days. 😀
Did you hear about the guy who went blind, drinking tea?? He forgot to take the spoon out of the cup. 😉
The wife and I watch a couple of English cop series on the Brit Box channel. Wherever British detectives go to interview people, they request, or are offered, tea. Anything from a cracked-mug ‘cuppa’ at the marina welding shop, to silver-service, delicate Royal Doulton china, with scones and clotted cream, and crust-removed cucumber sandwich triangles, at the manor.
British cops must have bladders as big as the Chinese spy-balloons that the Americans recently shot down. I don’t know how any mystery ever gets solved, with the amount of time that they spend drinking tea with suspects. According to these videos, the British have tea-trucks, the way western Americans have taco trucks.
I drank tea when I was younger. As a good Scottish woman, my mother would boil water for tea before she put a roast in the oven for supper and started peeling potatoes. By the time it came to drink it, you could tap-dance across the surface, and you couldn’t leave even stainless steel spoons in it too long before the tannic and other acids put some extra iron in your diet.
Rivergirl recently published a post about her husband’s latest quirk of drinking green tea. Green tea is good for you. It’s full of anti-oxidants. It just has all the dash and body of No-Name facial tissue. Most green tea tastes like a summer rain fell on a new-mowed lawn. Her hubby managed to find a special (read – far more expensive) brand of green tea at the commissary, that promised ‘more character.’ It tastes like there was a grass fire before the lawn was mowed and the warm rain fell on it.
We drink just over two liters/quarts of iced tea/sweet tea per day. I make it up and refrigerate it in a plastic pitcher, using a powdered lemon/tea mix. I use enough to make 1 ½ quarts, and add two cups of green tea that has steeped for 12 to 24 hours. It dilutes the sugar content and adds health benefits, while disguising the lack of taste.
I’m glad I finally got this post about tea finished. I gotta go pee. I’ll be back soon. Feel free to pour yourself a cup of tea from the pot. It’s Salada Orange Pekoe – which is a black tea that bewilders British ex-pats. And don’t get me started on chai. 😕
The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
The days of good grammar….
….has went.
Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.
It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.
I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.
I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.
On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.
Well! Well! Well! If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.
My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.
Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.
Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.
I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.
Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.
Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.
Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.
My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.
Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making
My recliner and I….
….go way back.
Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.
My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.
A history lesson from Pensitivity101.
Because she got her hair done, just in time for the portrait.
2. Who painted The Laughing Cavalier?
Actually, it was Lenny, from Rodrigo’s Painting and Decorating, but it wasn’t his fault. If the horse’s ass rider hadn’t been yucking it up, and had been paying more attention to where he was going, instead of his Smart Phone, he wouldn’t have walked under Lenny’s ladder.
3. As per the song why was the Policeman laughing?
Because his unmarried daughter had just told him that she was pregnant with twins, and he knew that she had never been on a double date in her life.
4. Who sang ‘I started a Joke?’
That was Chris Rock, just before Will Smith got up and slapped him.
5. From which film did Little April Shower come from?
It was a porno flick, titled Golden Memories.
6. What was the family harvesting in the Panorama programme on April 1st 1957?
That was spaghetti, but it was a meager crop, because spaghetti trees do not do well in England. The only things the UK has in abundance, are pea-soup fogs, and Carry On movies. The Italian TV networks seemed to have no reason to boast about their bumper crops of penne, and rotini. And the trees near the Mediterranean shore were laden with lots of juicy calamari.
7. Who played the Court Jester?
That was Richard Moll, playing bailiff, Bull Shannon, in the hilarious TV series, Night Court. Oh, the rest of the cast were amusing, but Bull brought a serious silliness to his character, like the time he tried to stop an escaping male tween. He jumped out in front of him in the corridor, and pointed his finger at the kid, who said, “Yeah??! Waddya gonna do with that?” Bull replied, “Poke a 4-inch hole in your forehead if you don’t stop.”
8. Why are Jokers wild?
Because they think that they are hilarious, but no-one else does, or takes them seriously until someone has been injured. The video for vocal group, Home Free’s version of Castle On The Hill is a sad example. The she of the featured couple is the worst. She steals toilet paper from an outhouse, before her he is finished, convinces him to climb over a locked gate, to TP the tree in someone’s back yard, pushes him backward off a dock into shallow water at the edge of a small lake, ignoring possible rocks or submerged branches, and ends by handling fireworks and shooting roman candles at each other. What fun!! Adding another entry to the Darwin Awards list. 😯
9. In which country is April 1st officially a bank holiday?
That would be Lichtenstein. It’s a land-locked little country, high up in the Alps where you can get a Flag Of Convenience for your ocean-going ships, to evade avoid onerous restrictions, such as high taxes, safety regulations, and minimum-wage laws. The entire country is scarcely larger than the parking lot of a good-sized McDonalds, but they manage to shoe-horn in dozens of discreet, don’t ask – don’t tell, financial institutions, where movie stars, drug lords, and tin-horn African despots hide their ill-gotten riches and filthy lucre.
10. If today is your birthday, what star sign are you?
No Stopping!
No Standing!
No Loitering!
He took her for a car-ride, and showed her a sign that said, Yield.
She showed him one that read, Refuse.
*
Small-town policemen, especially Police Chiefs, come and go with disturbing frequency – often one short step ahead of ‘Resign or be prosecuted.’
With manpower shortages immediately after WW II, my idyllic little town of 1800 – plus an abutting Indian reservation – had one policeman – 24/7/365. By default, he was the Chief. Even Sherriff Andy, of even smaller Mayberry, had Deputy Barney Fife. It worked during the off-season, but with 10,000 tourists in July/Aug, the town soon had three officers.
Police chiefs came, and police chiefs went. Their tenure averaged about 3 years. The longest term was an older gentleman who bought a home, rather than renting. He served just over 8 years, and retired in tourist heaven.
Finally, we got Chief
That’s originally a French name meaning from the oak, or oak trees. The French pronounce it like keh-nell. He, and the Anglophone town, pronounced it queh-nell.
The summer tourist influx was now closer to 20,000, often street-smart, big-city residents. Even the chief pulled weekend, and night patrols. My brother was one of several unpaid volunteers for Ride-alongs. He received minimal training, no equipment, and no authority, but two people stepping out of a cruiser can quickly change the dynamics of a tense situation.
The brother had been a snowmobiler for a few years. The tread on a snowmobile can take a lot of wear, depending on where you ride it. One year, just as he was pushing his machine into his storage shed in the spring, the tread snapped.
In late August, he was thinking ahead, and mentioned to the chief that money was tight, but it seemed that he would have to buy and install a new tread if he wanted to ride. The chief replied, “What you could do is, when it gets cold and snows, don’t go out for the first couple of weeks or a month. Then you could contact your insurance company and allege that you hit a rock or log, make an accident claim, and get them to pay for it.
The brother didn’t think that he wanted to chance that, but mentioned the conversation to our Dad. “Why would he tell me that I should do that?” Dad explained that this was like entrapment. He didn’t say that you should. He merely said that you could! He was testing you. This is a moral judgement. If you’d gone ahead, he wouldn’t have trusted you – at all – especially to patrol with.
Brother said, “If he’s that sneaky and devious, and doesn’t trust me, I don’t trust him. I’m not going to patrol with him any more. By Canadian Thanksgiving, in early October, he was gone, and the town had yet another new police chief. 👿
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food. She went to pay for it and the cashier said, You can’t buy that dog food, we need evidence that you have a dog, so she brought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said, You can’t have that cat food, we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box. She told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft. The little old lady then said, now you’re satisfied, can I have some toilet paper please!
***
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
***
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman’s husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already. The little Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Man says: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside, I’ll call him if you don’t buy it!”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$100.”
A few weeks later it happened again, and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have soccer boots.”
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: “How much?”
The Boy says: ”$500.”
The Man says: “Fine, I will buy them.”
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: “Grab your ball and boots, let’s go outside and have a game.”
The Boy says: “I can’t, I sold them for $ 600.”
The Father says: “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… $ 600 is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your “SINS.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: “Dark in here.”
The Priest says: “Don’t start that shit again!”
***
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. “Do you watch much television here?”
“Only the daytime shows,” the inmate said. “At night we’re locked in our cells and don’t see any television.”
“That’s too bad,” the reporter said, “But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.”
“What do you mean, nice?” the inmate said. “That’s part of the punishment.”
One day, when my Dad was in the retirement home, the nurses took him down to the common room, and put him in a big chair, so that he could watch television. Just as they were walking out, he started to lean over to his left side. One of them rushed back in, propped him up, and put a large pillow on his left side.
Just as she was leaving again, he started listing over to his right side. She rushed back, straightened him up, and jammed a cushion on his right side. When I arrived to visit him, I asked how he liked the place. “Not very!” he said. “They won’t even let me fart.”
I just had baked beans for supper, so I decided for the G Challenge, I would do a piece about The Rolling Stones song Jumpin’ Jack Flash. I see some of you are looking more confused than usual. Don’t you remember??! It’s a
I hope you had a chance to watch the 1987 movie of the same name, starring Whoopi Goldberg. It makes about as much sense as any of the Pink Panther films, but is just as zany and funny.
I just watched a YouTube video of an old Dave Allen comedy sketch. He said that he didn’t really like having to fly anywhere. Medical studies indicate that the average person farts about 14 times in 8 hours. Put 500 people in an enclosed jumbo jet, for an eight hour flight, and you get a total of 7000 farts by the time you arrive.
And people wonder why I drove all the way to Key West. At least I can crack a window open a bit…. when the wife starts leaning to one side or another.
Posts that are a little more intellectual will be published later this month. 😉
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