Seinfeld Re-Run

Being another collection of unrelated thoughts which carom and rattle around inside my vacant skull.  Think of this as mental spring-cleaning, which it would be, if this were spring.  This is fall.  By the time I post this, I will have overnight become 68 years old, and that fact should be obvious.

I recently, righteously, slagged four female Canadian singers.  I ran out of space and energy before I could include a fifth.  I give you the, famous in her own mind, even when she’s out of it, Nelly Furtado.  Like the others, Nelly is a decent singer and performer.  Unlike Shania Twain, she doesn’t have a long history of verbal malaprops.  She managed to do it all in one TV interview.

This one occurred just as she was breaking out.  She was booked on a meet-the-artist show on MuchMusic, Canada’s we-don’t-need-no-stinkin’-American MTV, alternative.  For a half an hour she unwittingly proved herself to be an up-and-coming Canadian racist.  Everything she bragged about herself, was because she was Portuguese, not Portuguese-Canadian, just Portuguese.

She was born in British Columbia.  Her first big song, I’m Like a Bird, contains the line, “I’m like a bird.  I don’t know where my home is.”  I think it fitting that, the only bird which doesn’t know where its home is, is a cuckoo.  The same pair of robins flew back from Florida, and nested in my porch for five or six years. Apparently, she also doesn’t know where the National Geographic Channel is.

She claimed to be a great song-writer because she was Portuguese.  I don’t know what that says about Leonard Cohen, Gordon Lightfoot or Buffy Saint-Marie, who have Jewish, English and Cree heritage, respectively.  She lauded herself about her high morals because she was Portuguese, and I almost choked.  I’ve watched Portuguese girls coming home from Catholic school on the bus.  The only thing sluttier, might be some Romanian girls.  The only thing they don’t show is restraint.

I’d even forgive the Portuguese references if her parents had been born there, but they weren’t.  They come from the Azores Islands, which are to Portugal, what Newfoundland is to Canada, only more so.  Further out in the ocean, more isolated, more ignored, poorer, less literate, if it weren’t for the fact that several airlines use the big island for trans-Atlantic fuelling, they’d be eating jelly-fish and smoking seaweed.

There was another blogger, whose site was also called Archons Den.  He was a Filipino who posted on BlogSpot.  He was big into electronics, posting about Smartphones, iPods, expensive car stereos and big-screen TVs.  He may have gone bankrupt.  I haven’t seen a new post in almost a year.  Archon is also the name given to a yearly science-fiction conference in Kansas City.  I believe this year is number 37.

Booksellers like Chapters have a current book for sale, titled “Archon.”  It’s sort of an H E Ellis’, Reapers With Issues, crossed with 50 Shades of Grey.  A book titled, “The Archon”, is a children’s story about a trek to seek peace with the Rain Queen.  I’m honored, in a vague way, but I think I’ll skip them both.

The niece who ate Ex-Lax, but only drank Javex once, went with her parents and siblings for a weekend visit with her other grandparents on their farm.  Out of her clothes and into a nightgown, the six-year-old wanted to know what was in the coffee-pot protruding over the edge of the stove.  She pulled it down on her left shoulder, and the boiling coffee was held like a sponge by the flannelette nightie.  By the time the adults pulled it off the screaming child, she had been burned so badly that she developed a quarter-inch thick mass of scar tissue from the base of her neck to her vaccination mark.

Mr. Automotive Q&A published another duh-mb letter this week.  The writer wanted him to help, because he had bought a used car from a dealer.  He gave the salesman a cheque, which had been cashed.  The day he bought the car, he needed to do some running around, so he got them to let him take the car out.  He was to return it, and they were to do a safety on it.  When he brought it back, the dealership refused to safety his car, and he wanted the columnist to pressure them into it.  That’s his story, and it sounds straightforward.

Mr. Q&A did some phoning, and quickly found out that:  He left the dealer’s lot at about noon on a Friday.  He was supposed to return the car before end of workday.  Closing time came, no car.  Monday came and went, no car!  Tuesday came and went, no car!!  On Wednesday, the dealer plate and its holder were hanging on the dealer’s front door when they opened for business.  That was early in April!  Now, early in September, he wants them to do all the work necessary to pass a government test, and of course, they demurred.

In Q&A’s response, he told the guy that the dealer was willing to do the rear brakes, which should have been fixed five months ago, along with several other minor repairs.  They would not replace the windshield which was not cracked when he took possession, nor the right headlight, which was working when he left.  Since he drove 3800 kilometers after he left, they would also not replace the alternator or the windshield wipers.  They would do the emission testing, but he would have to pay for any parts needed to get the car to pass.

The dealer admitted that they should never have let him off the lot, and should have notified the Ontario Transport Ministry when the car did not return.  Mr Q&A, and the rest of us, assume he was driving for five months with illegal licence plates, not registered to the car.  Also, since the vehicle was not in his name, he drove for the five months without the legally required insurance.  Q&A gave him one week from the date of the column printing to get all this stuff done, because, as a licensed mechanic, he is legally bound to inform the ministry, if he has knowledge of non-compliance.

This all happened in Southwestern Ontario, but I’ll bet you drove past a car today, driven by a yahoo like this.  Scary as hell, isn’t it?

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15 thoughts on “Seinfeld Re-Run

  1. kayjai says:

    Happy Be-lated! Hope you had a good day despite the yahoo drivers and Furtado impersonating a person…ugh…

    Like

  2. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I’ve heard of Nelly Furtado, but I’m not familiar with her music. (we have Nelly the rapper – I think he sports a band-aid). I take it, I should return the copy of the CD entitled, “Shania Twain’s Greatest Christmas Hits” that I got you for your birthday…dangit! (just jokin’)
    Happy Birthday, Archon! (It’s probably a good thing there is only one of you!)

    Like

  3. Archon's Den says:

    Nahh, send it on up. The cats broke the dog’s feeding dish. He’ll need something to eat off. One Archon is probably two too many. I tend to ignore birthdays. Otherwise I’d just wind up a grumpy old coot……. Wadeaminnit !?

    Like

  4. So sorry to hear that good old-fashioned idiocy is no longer an American exclusive. Maybe YOU guys should’ve built a fence like we put up along our southern border to try (and fail) to keep illegal immigrants out. My apologies for our rapidly sinking US IQs dragging down those of Canada. 😯
    By the by, Archons were a group of people in a particular “Star Trek” (original series) episode, hence the love affair of sci-fi geeks with the word. Just an FYI. 😀
    I haven’t seen your rant about Shania Twain, but then again, I’ve never been overly worried about what she says – even though I watch her videos frequently. 😉

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    • Archon's Den says:

      Yes, I have seen “The Return of the Archons” several times. The empty tubes, and Landreau. I had already been hauling this cognomen around for ten years by the time it was aired. The two most common elements in the universe, hydrogen, and stupidity. Some astrophysicists believe new hydrogen molecules are being created. Tall wall or not, I Know new stupidity is being created every day, right here in River City. You Yanks don’t have a monopoly.

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      • Didn’t know you were Trek-literate, but I should have guessed by your noble bearing and immense cleverness. 😉
        And I realise we didn’t invent stupidity. Like so many things, we don’t invent, but we sure as heck can mass-produce the HECK out of it!

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  5. aFrankAngle says:

    Happy Birthday Archon!

    Interestingly, this is the second thought I’ve had of Shania today … well, the second I’ll admit … thought came to me from this artist whose ballads sounds similar to Shania’s.

    Like

  6. Sightsnbytes says:

    Happy Birthday bloggerdude! Keep on blogging and maybe someday you will win an all expense paid trip to Newfoundland

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      If only, Brother Blogger! If only. My birthday’s actually shortly after yours. I’ve had this draft *in the can* for so long, that my anniversary’s come and gone as well. I’ll have to put out something about that. Thanx for thinking of me though.

      Like

  7. benzeknees says:

    Did you try to sneak your birthday through without us noticing? Happy Birthday Archon! I might have known some of these random facts if I paid more attention to music. Thanks for the post!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Thanx for reading and appreciating it. You did, didn’t you? I did manage to sneak the birthday past by hiding it in my drafts-file for over two months, while I spewed about a Detroit trip and Oktoberfest. I don’t even understand how I know so much about artists I don’t particularly like.

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  8. Happy (belated) birthday, my friend!

    Like

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