Words, Light And Heavy

If you over-indulged a bit (lot?) over the holidays,  you may want a look at,

The I-Hate-To-Diet-Dictionary

Trying to lose weight can be heavy.  Why not lighten the self-deprivation with this spirit-lifting lexicon?

Aerobics, n.

A wiggling, jiggling, giggling class of moaning, groaning, toning klutzes

Baby fat, n.

Appealingly pudgy condition of infants, children, and young adults (not applicable after age nineteen)

Celery, n.

Effective, low-calorie device for scraping out the last morsel of peanut butter

Dieter, n.

Someone never caught in the act of eating

Exhibitionist, n.

A size 7 who tries on clothes in a community dressing room

Fit, n.

Emotional outburst when jeans won’t zip up

Goal, n.

To be ten pounds less than one’s ideal weight, so that one can have the joy of gaining it all back

Hip, n.

One of two protruding parts of the body used to carry small children, grocery bags, or large cartons of Twinkies

Interested, adj.

Telling someone else how much weight you have lost on your diet

Justice, poetic, n.

Attending one’s tenth reunion, and discovering that the ninety-pound cheerleader….the one with the most to gain….did

Lockjaw, n.

Serious illness most dieters would love to have two to three days a week

Marquis de Sade, n.

Eighteenth-century inventor of Nautilus equipment

New Year’s Eve, n.

Rollicking conclusion of the old year, when one makes a sincere resolution to lose fifteen pounds by January 23

Optimist, n.

Any dieter who buys a leotard with horizontal stripes

Pound, n.

1: A fixed unit of measure found on one’s scale (usually accurate)

2: a fictitious unit of measurement found on one’s driver’s licence (usually inaccurate)

Quest, n.

An everlasting pursuit of the perfect pizza

Refrigerator, n.

Temporary storage area between grocery bags and the mouth

Scissors, n.

Handy tool used to cut oneself out of photographs

Thyroid, n.

1: Overactive: God’s gift to Adam

2: Underactive: God’s gift to Eve

Unconscious, adj.

The only state in which a dieter is not hungry

Weight, n.

Physical defiance of Newton’s Law of Gravity; what goes up, does not necessarily come down

Yin & Yang, n.

Buddhist terms of opposition, taken from the Zen macrobiotic diet

1: the loss of forty-five pounds

2: the loss of one pound, forty-five times

ZZzzzz, n.

The sound of a dieter not eating

Many thanks to Sandra Bergeson for enabling me to present this light-hearted list to those who will now hate me for doing so.

16 thoughts on “Words, Light And Heavy

  1. Hate is such a strong word. Since my weekend, I have lost pounds but due to my inane fretting…I ate a meal yesterday for the first time and it didn’t agree with me. Back to eating fruit and drinking water…maybe I should do the prisoner’s diet of bread and water. Perhaps more appropriate given my situation these days…. 🙂


  2. Losing weight has never been a problem for me. I’m on the flip side of that coin. Keeping enough bulk on my bones to throw a shadow on a sunny day requires constant eating.


  3. Archon's Den says:

    Wife’s oldest brother was like that. Could eat a horse, and not gain an ounce. Late thirties his doctor put him on a series of shots. (Vitamin K?) He started gaining weight, but didn’t stop eating like he always had. Soon had to start trying to peel it off again. Up north you need all the insulation you can get.


  4. whiteladyinthehood says:

    What do you mean I can’t call my beer-gut baby fat? hmpf


  5. shimoniac says:

    Hey, I’ve always thought that `stressed’ was just `desserts’ spelled backward.


  6. Jim Wheeler says:

    Personally, I’m looking forward to Groundhog Day. That is not only when the hog sees his shadow or not but it is the half-life of weight-related new year’s resolutions. That means that half of the dazed, grim, glum and frantic newbies at the Y who are clogging the track and the machines will have realized, as the Borg stated, “resistance is futile” and will have given up. Until December 26, 2013, that is.


  7. Archon's Den says:

    Wow Jim, a STTNG reference. I’d expect one from John Erickson, but somehow, not from you. I guess TV philosophy can be as valid as Neitzsche.


  8. Jim Wheeler says:

    Archon, I have been an SF fan since I was a teen, growing up in the Golden Age.


  9. Archon's Den says:

    You got TV reception on a sub? Or hacked into the trans-Pacific cable?


    • Jim Wheeler says:

      By “SF fan” I was mainly referring to reading, Asimov, Clarke, Bradbury, Robert Heinlein, A.E. VanVogt, John W. Campbell’s Astounding SF, etc. But both Mollie and I have always loved Star Trek, both the old and the NG. For sure I missed a good amount of TV while on sea duty but there was shore duty as well. Also, I retired from the Navy and became a landlubber in 1981, so STTNG was after that.

      Even sea duty isn’t all spent at sea. For example, the last submarine I was on was in the shipyard for overhaul and alteration for over a year (that was 1968), and even on normal operations we were customarily at sea away from home port less than half the time. But I was a diesel-boat submariner. I spent time on a lot of nukes when I was on a development staff, but those were visits of only a few weeks each. Nukes are crazy (my opinion) and were indeed at sea a godawful amount of time. I assume they still are. Being a nuke, to me, requires dedication and personal sacrifice that would shame a Jesuit. I never applied.


  10. You have two little mistakes in your definitions. First, no more Twinkies to carry on your hip. And you missed a definition of “pound” – verb, what you do with alcohol when you determine your diet stands less chance than that of a snowball in Hades during a napalm strike.
    My resolution? To be up to date with blog notices. You can judge my success already….. 😀


  11. I really liked this one, Archon. I always have a smile on my face when I’m reading your posts, but this bit got to the belly-laugh point…


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