Spamalot

Spam!  We all get it.  Many of us have done at least one post about it.  I haven’t yet, so it’s my turn.  I intend to make fun of some of the sillier ones I’ve received.  Not as technically proficient as many of you, I can’t cut and paste, so we’ll see who gets laughed at most, the spam, or me.

All spam is designed to sell something.  The sender wants you to go to his site, and usually spend money.  Some are sent only to increase the number of hits on the site so that the site-owner can charge advertisers higher rates.

I got one spam which told me that I was brain-dead, which was why I didn’t get more and better followers.  If I would just sign up and pay for this blog-writing course, I would get a much better grade of riff-raff visiting my site.  It might have been the same spammer, but soon after, I got another, accusing you, my faithful followers, of being brain-dead and leaving dumb comments.  If I would just sign up and PAY – well, you get the idea.  Thatta-way Genius, insult me and my friends and expect us to flock on over to your site.  Well, flock you!

certainly like your web-site but you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to inform the truth nevertheless I will definitely come back again

This one irritates the shit out of me.  My spelling is better than 95% of the population.  It’s often better than Spellcheck, which I run on the word program, and then again on WordPress before I post, after I proofread at least three times.  Rife??!  You said rife?  One word per post – maybe.  Stick *rife* up your asterisk.  By the way Kettle, Pot called and said your spelling, capitalization and punctuation leave something to be desired.  What I desire is….wuzzat?  I can’t post that word?  Physically impossible??!

Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just wondering if you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can recommend?  I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any support is very much appreciated.

You “Own” a blog?  I got mine for nothing, but mine came with a shift-key so I can capitalize “I”.  I get a few inane spam comments, often from winners like you.  I let Akismet sift them out, and then I flush them down WordPress’s toilet.  The only protection or plugin I got, came from The Stag Shop.  I don’t think spam is driving you insane.  It’s more like a short putt.

Nice weblog here! Also your website quite a bit up fast! What web host are you the usage of? Can I am getting your associate hyperlink on your host? I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

I am quite a bit up confused as to what you’re asking, and apparently I’m not the only one.  Look at my web address and you’ll see what web host I am the usage of, quite a bit up fast.  Perhaps there’s an English textbook that you could be the usage of.

Maybe if you include more photos and videos your article would be more understandable

Maybe once you put down the crayons, graduate from Kindergarten and learn to speak and write the language, you won’t need photos and videos.

I seriously love your website.. Great colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself? Please reply back as I’m hoping to create my very own site and would love to find out where you got this from or just what the theme is named. Kudos!

Really?  Great colors & theme?  On my site?  When did that happen?  Yes, I made this website all by my little self.  I carefully crafted it out of bellybutton lint and cat hair, held together with cobwebs pulled from my own skull.  Tip your skull down and read the theme at the bottom of the page.  Are Kudos those African antelope things?  You could use their fur and horns to build your site.  😕

I got an advertising spam from a furniture store specializing in sofas and chairs – in Sussex England.  They do realize I’m on another continent, don’t they?!  I wonder if they deliver, or if I’d have to borrow a dory from Ted at www.sightsnbytes.wordpress.com .  That would be a long row back.

I once got a two-page spam once urging me to purchase Viagra – so that some of the purchase price could go to a fund to save Asian tigers.  Yeah, right, that’s what I buy Viagra for, to save Asian tigers.  I got enough performance anxiety, without having to worry about dead tigers.  My own little tiger is dead.  😦

Several times recently, I’ve got one offering to help me save my possessions during a divorce – in French.  Since I don’t plan on being divorced in French, I think I’ll give that one a pass.

Search terms are almost as much fun.  I mentioned Mennonites in one post, and got the inevitable “Mennonite porn” search term.  I got “South African asteroid” one day.  I didn’t realize they had their own special asteroid.  I had used the word asteroid in a post about eight months ago, but that’s not the one the search term locked on to.  I had spoken of an asteroid which had come inside the orbit of the moon, now we have one which will arrive Friday morning and pass closer than the geosynchronous communications satellites.  Hopefully it doesn’t have any Mayans on board, and disappears back into the void.

End of silly rant!  Insert thunderous applause here!

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17 thoughts on “Spamalot

  1. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Thunderous applause! This post was hilarious, Archon! I don’t get hardly any spam, but I did get the one about your followers being brain-dead and yeah, I kinda thought, well – flock you! (my friends are GREAT!)…and the one about the Viagra – you almost made me spit my morning soda out all over my keyboard! Will you be my grumpy Valentine today?

    Like

  2. Spambots are evil…they have mischievous and bizarre language that mystifies and confounds me into fits of ire. Happy Valentines Day and stuff…yeah.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Unlike the spam I got that wanted me to get divorced in French, some spambots spew through a less than perfect translation program. That explains the strange prose, and why some of my visitors are from Bulgaria. Gotta get my fangs polished again. Right after that….Valentines, and stuff. Right back atcha. 😀

      Like

  3. benzeknees says:

    I just don’t pay attention to Spam, I guess I’m the weird blogger.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Well, you’re in the running for weird, but with this bunch, you’re just the opening act. Most spam is just boring, but every once in a while you get one that jolts you awake. The Nigerian Prince must have moved his money. I don’t hear from him in real life any more.

      Like

  4. Sightsnbytes says:

    CTRL + C = Copy
    CTRL + V = Paste
    CTRL + X = Cut
    CTRL + Z = Undo
    CTRL + P = Print
    Hope this helps…great post too, loved it!

    Like

  5. Archon's Den says:

    Oh, no you don’t. You can’t fool me! I saw the movie War Games. If I do that, we end up taking on North Korea. I should put up a warning poster. How did that go again? CTRL + C….Kaboom. 😀

    Like

  6. Daniel Digby says:

    I think we share the same blog fan, since he also noted that mine was ‘quite a bit up fast’.

    I was a little surprised that WordPress didn’t Scunthorpe your usage of ‘asteroid’. I find that the best way to handle asteroids on my South end is with Preparation H.

    I’m glad I could be of assistance.

    Like

  7. Archon's Den says:

    So, I know what Scunthorpe is, and where, and what it does for a living. I just don’t understand how to use it as a verb, despite all my Dr. Who, Lewis, Midsomer Murders and Dalziel and Pascoe. Please explain.

    Like

    • Daniel Digby says:

      I shouldn’t have been so cryptic. The Scunthorpe problem refers to various companies that feel it necessary to filter out what they consider to be obscenities and to block domain names, e-mail, and web searches based on those filters. One of the earliest examples was when AOL and Google both banned usage of ‘Scunthorpe’ because the word ‘cunt’ was embedded in it. There are many examples of this including internal communications within the company that I used to work for. One of the classics was not allowing us to talk about Pergo flooring, which was our competitor, because Pergo is somehow obscene.

      Like

      • shimoniac says:

        So, you’re talking about a variant on the `Cupertino’ error. See, I can do obscure computer references too.

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        It’s so depressingly obvious, once it’s pointed out. Yet another example of Big Brother. I don’t understand the concern over Pergo. “Prego” is a synonym for pregnancy, but then it’s also the brand name for bottled pasta sauce. Honi soit qui mal y pense. Some minds see smut everywhere.

        Like

  8. vision witch says:

    No such thing as a dead tiger, just tiger CPR.

    Like

  9. BrainRants says:

    This is a great take on your blogspam. I used to do this but sadly all I get now are penis extension ads (unnecessary) and viagra-knock-off ads (not needed yet). I used to get truly funny shit from the Indian subcontinent, but as I said – nevermore. Rant on, Archon!

    Like

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