Only In Canada, You Say

 

Only in Canada….can you get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Canada….are there handicap parking spaces in front of a skating rink.

Only in Canada….do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Canada….do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries…. and a diet cola.

Only in Canada….do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Canada….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put all our useless junk in the garage.

Only in Canada….do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from somebody we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Canada….do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

Only in Canada….do we use the word ”politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Only in Canada….do they have drive-up ATMs with Braille lettering.

Only in Canada….do we buy the kids’ Halloween costumes big enough to fit over a snowsuit.  (American SpellCheck doesn’t recognize “snowsuit”, but offers swimsuit.)

 

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.
If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If “Vacation” means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
If you have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km — you’re going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees C “a little chilly”, you may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada!

Only in Canada would we have, not one, but two huge Maple Syrup thefts.  I’m not talking about some guy who got over a fence, sneaked in the back door, and got away with a couple of gallon jars of sweet stuff.  We’re talking about millions of liters, and perhaps as much as thirty million dollars worth of purloined stock.

The province of Quebec produces between 70 and 80 % of the world’s maple syrup, and two-thirds of that is exported to the US.  Inventory losses at a Quebec bulk storage warehouse were traced to a company in New Brunswick.  The stolen syrup was impounded and returned to its legal owners.  An idea of the size of the theft, is that the police-escorted return convoy consisted of fifteen full-sized tanker trucks.

The second theft does not appear to be quite as large.  Police estimate 800 barrels, which is 36,000 gallons, which is 163,500 liters.  That’s a sweet lot of pure profit.  I’m astounded at the size of the first theft.  One truckload is understandable….but fifteen?

Truckload-lot thefts are more common than you might think.  Trucking firms in the area have lost as many as three trailers at once.  A couple of guys cut the chain on the gates, roar in, hook up to already loaded and waiting trailers, and are gone by the time security or police arrive.  Stealing maple syrup involves bringing your own tanker, and waiting till it’s pumped full, in the first robbery, fifteen times.

Young women in Quebec eat a lot of, both maple syrup, and French pea soup.  This may explain why they are round and sweet, all except Celine Dion.

One co-worker’s brother was a truck driver for a local Seagram’s Distillery plant.  About once a week, he was sent to Toronto to bring back a tanker load of rye whiskey, for blending or bottling.  When he pulled into the yard, he would connect the dump valve on the bottom of the tanker to a large flexible hose, and open the valve.  When the tank was empty(?) he would drive to the parking area, where his truck was obscured by other trucks.

He would place a clean plastic pail under the valve and reopen it.  After finishing his paperwork, he would go back out and pick up half to three-quarters of a pail of rye, collected from those last drops on the inside of the tank.  He filled easily obtained empty bottles, and sold them for half price, making an extra hundred dollars a week, and a lot of friends.

A trucker from near the Quebec border, who delivered to my son’s plant, also owned a farm with a woodlot.  He made his own maple syrup, and my son bought some from him for several years.  It was the dark, strongly flavored type, at a good price.  A new job means we now buy it, a gallon at a time, from Mennonites at the farmers market.

Trees used to be tapped and drip into buckets.  There could be contamination.  Nowadays all taps, several to each tree, are connected to plastic tubing, which delivers the raw sap directly to the boiling shed.  If you drive past a sugar-bush in operation, it looks like the trees are caught in a giant spiderweb.

That’s not all I know about maple syrup, but I know that it’s time to call for a rest.  Anyone hungry?  How about some pancakes or waffles?

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39 thoughts on “Only In Canada, You Say

  1. benzeknees says:

    I prefer French toast with my maple syrup please.

    Like

  2. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Wow…I had no idea that New Hampshire and Canada were so much alike! My kid, Junior, wears a parka and shorts all winter long. I think the only thing to add for NH would be something about politics.

    This is really good, Archon. If I were you I’d keep this on it’s own page as reference material. 🙂

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I see the parka/shorts combo at the farmers’ market all winter. You and I are equally far north, but our weather still isn’t like Benzeknees’, or HaremMaster. Buildings in downtown Winnipeg are connected by underground tunnels. There’s a couple of square miles where you never have to go outside.
      Keep this as its own page? As soon as I figure out how. SnB is next. Ted???? 😀

      Like

      • Tunnels??? I am so there. Let me know if you need help with your page.

        Like

      • H.E. ELLIS says:

        Yeah, that’s me. I’m quite the little multi-tasker today.

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        I knew it was you by the fragrance! Eau de Harley-Davidson, isn’t it?

        Like

      • benzeknees says:

        I grew up in Wpg. & am familiar with the walkways between buildings so you can go through the whole of downtown Portage Ave. without ever going outside. It is the same here in Edmonton except all the tunnels are underground (in Wpg. the walkways are generally between the buildings on the 2nd or 3rd floor) & they are connected to the LRT. So you can ride the train to work, exit under your building & go up to your office without having to go outside if you wish. There are still some walkways between buildings above ground as well. When the temps get to -40 degrees celsius & a windchill on top, you can’t afford to go outside for any length of time. I think Edmonton’s system is a little better than Wpg.’s because of the transportation system being connected to the system whereas in Wpg. you take a bus, have to get off in the cold & then get into a building which is connected by walkways.

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        H.E. is thrilled with the tunnel idea. What say, next winter, she and I hitch-hike out, and you could give us a guided tour.

        Like

      • benzeknees says:

        You’re more than welcome to come & get the tour!

        Like

  3. Sightsnbytes says:

    It’s Canada’s answer to Jeff Foxworthy…..Archon! Great blogpost, made me laugh out loud…..but since I am home alone right now, that’s completely okay, right???

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Does Ted talk to himself when he’s alone?? I don’t know! I’ve never been with him when he was alone. If LadyRyl can’t teach me to put this up as a separate page, (also award pictures, and BrainRants Army logo) could you send instructions? 😕

      Like

      • Sightsnbytes says:

        sure, anything for a blogfriend…let me know if she doesn’t succeed

        Like

      • Sightsnbytes says:

        this is easy. Simply hover your mouse over your blog title (left hand side, top of page) and you will see a new menu (dashboard, New, Comments…etc). Choose ‘New’. If you hover your mouse over the word ‘New’, you will receive yet another menu, this time with several other choices. Choose ‘Page’. You will then be sent to a new page where you are prompted to provide a title and below that, content. Good Luck!

        Like

      • Sightsnbytes says:

        to display BrainRants Army logo, find it on his page, right click the image and click Save Image as….and save it to your desktop. From there, go to the new page, and add media, uploading the file you just saved. clear as mud?

        Like

  4. Nice post, Archon..and as long as you’re up, blueberry pancakes please.

    Like

  5. aFrankAngle says:

    Breakfast? Heck yes … french toast, waffles, pancakes … no matter … bring it on.

    Hey – on the opening list, many are applicable here in the US as well.

    Great collection of stuff … and a fun read for my morning.

    Like

  6. Jim Wheeler says:

    My favorite:

    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada.

    Reminds me of a local saying from when we lived in San Diego:

    California has four seasons too: fire, drought, mudslides and earthquakes.

    Like

  7. shimoniac says:

    Then again, if you have a snowmobile parked on the roof of your two storey house, you might live in Canada.

    Like

  8. I definitely recognize some of those as American, too – specifically the pharmacy at the back one, and I always get a diet soda with my big fat greasy delicious cheeseburger. You know, so they balance out 🙂

    Like

  9. whiteladyinthehood says:

    If you have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada (or the south!) These were great, Archon!
    The theft of the maple syrup is bizarre…(can I still come visit you and Ladybug if I admit that I can’t stand syrup…it’s just toooo sweet! eeeww)

    Like

  10. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Reblogged this on H.E. ELLIS and commented:
    For those of you out there who aren’t following Archon’s Den, you should be, and here’s why:

    Like

  11. Tom Elias says:

    You need to explain Bieber. Or at least admit culpability.

    Like

  12. BuddhaKat says:

    Awesome post, Sir Archer’s Den! We say all those things about MN as well. And we have the skyways all throughout downtown Minneapolis. Some folks don’t even need winter coats, if they have a connected garaage at home and park in a building with a skyway (odds are good on that)!
    I LOVE maple syrup, the more the better. And yes, lotsa butter too, pls… never heard of taking FT with salt and butter, but it sounds delicious! We used to put salt on our grapefruits (my grandma never told us it was a drink)!
    love your post & I’ll be baaaaaach….

    🙂

    Like

  13. Archon's Den says:

    I’ve seen you skulking around a few other blogsites, and hoped that you might at least do a drive-by visit. You are welcome to read and comment any time you’re in the area. Bring a friend! Bring an enemy, if you can find one. 😀

    Like

  14. I love Canada and Canadians and this post.

    Like

  15. Haha, great post. What a description of Canada. I’m glad there were no words of mooses or igloos. It surprises people that it isn’t Narnia the moment you pass the borders.

    Like

  16. This is the most valuable insight into Canada, we are thinking of having our summer holiday in your big Country and this information will be used in our final evaluation.

    Like

  17. Poli tics and poli ticians. Apt definition.

    Like

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