A Letter From Momma

Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive.  I’m writing slowly because I know that you can’t read fast.  You won’t know the house when you come home….we’ve moved.  I won’t be able to send you the address, because the Newfy family that lived here before, took the house numbers with them so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

About your Father….he now has a new job.  He has five hundred people under him.  He’s cutting the grass in the cemetery.

There was a washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it isn’t working very good.  Last week I put 14 shirts into it and pulled the chain and haven’t seen the shirts since.

Your sister Mary had a baby today.  I haven’t heard if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you’re an aunt or an uncle.

Your other sister Margaret was pregnant, but had an abortion because she wasn’t sure the baby was hers.  The doctor thought it might be twins, but she’s never been on a double-date.

I had a hysterectomy last week because I don’t want any more grand-children.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in a Dublin distillery.  Some of his fellow workers dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.  We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn’t have much to drink at Christmas.  I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer.  It kept him going till New Year’s Day.  I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me.  The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week.  Once for three days and the other time for four days.  Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker.  He said that if we don’t come up with the last installment on your grandmother’s grave, up she comes!

I have to quit writing for now as I just broke my typewriter.  I don’t know what is wrong with it.  It just jammed up.

 

Your Loving Mother.

 

P.S.  I was going to send you $20.00 but I had already sealed the envelope.

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18 thoughts on “A Letter From Momma

  1. aFrankAngle says:

    Mother …. You obviously have been living with Archon too long because you are know writing like him.

    Like

  2. BrainRants says:

    I get it! This whole post is Erickson bait!

    Brilliant!

    Like

  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Needed a laugh this morning, Archon!

    Like

  4. Had a minute and thought I’d see who was still around. Gotta love your mother.

    Like

  5. Kayjai says:

    It’s so nice of your mother to keep in touch. Kind of….

    Like

  6. Sightsnbytes says:

    FYI…Newfie is spelled. N-E-W-F-I-E….not NEWFY…if you are going to poke fun at us, at least spell it right…some of us are OCD

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      It was written by an Ontarian, an ya knows dey can’t spel. 😉
      Some of you are COD?? I thought you just fished for cod now that you machine-gunned the Spanish away. 😕

      Like

      • Sightsnbytes says:

        a good feed of cod is still a great thing! You really need to visit the island so’s we can screech you in…lots of fun, you even get to kiss a cod!

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        You saw in my last post that I was wishing to meet blog-friends. They say time is money, but they’re wrong. I have all the time, but never enough of the money. If that ever changes….I’ll leave the screech to you, and kiss your lady’s mother. 😆

        Like

  7. benzeknees says:

    I’ve seen this before Archon, but still good the second time around.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      As the resident connoisseur of jokes, I imagine you have. I’m pulling out stuff in my file that’s almost as old as you, but, there’s always a new audience. How are you, since the fall??! 😕

      Like

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