How To Know When You’re Getting Old

 

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your glasses.

You feel like the night before, and you haven’t even been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

You join a health club, and don’t go.

You decide to procrastinate, but never get around to it.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can’t keep.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your new trifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is, “25 Years Ago Today.”

You sit in a rocking chair, and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when the alarm goes off.

You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

The little grey-haired old lady you help across the street, is your wife.

You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

 

I was going to post this earlier, but I needed to take a nap.

I’m happy to note that all of these do not apply to me – only 22 of the 26.  I don’t get winded playing chess, because with my (lack of) memory, I can’t play chess.  I get winded playing checkers.  It’s all that heavy lifting of one checker onto another when I get a King.  What??!  Could happen!

I put white stickers on the bottoms of all the checkers that just say “King.” Well….the son did it for me while I was having my nap.  I just get my opponent to flip them over for me.

After the wrestling match with my optic nerves last year, I had my eyeballs retreaded.  I can still make do with bifocals. It’ll be a few more years before they have to ride a trike.

I didn’t become intolerant as I aged.  I’ve been calling a spade an asshole since I could first spell the word.

And lastly, since I never have anywhere to go early in the morning except some difficult-to-schedule doctor, I usually roll out of bed at the crack of noon, and the wife and I party hearty till 4 AM – with cinnamon rolls and tea.  Some evenings when we’re feeling particularly daring, we have two cups.  The excitement just never stops starts.

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18 thoughts on “How To Know When You’re Getting Old

  1. BrainRants says:

    Your wit is as sharp as ever, though. Very funny.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      This was as funny as hell when I was your age and stole a copy from a co-worker at the office copier, now, not so much. 😦
      I had trouble concentrating on your comment because of all the creaks and groans coming from your end. 😉

      Like

  2. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Archon, this was really funny and so true. I can check off several things from the list. I try to tell myself to stay young at heart and stay the hell away from a mirror! (lol) Yeah, and it’s true most men get older and just get sexier…
    The kids decided to play the “I spy” game with me the other day. Someone said, “I spy something brown, yellow, white and it has SPARKLY SILVER allllll through it!” (They immediately screamed Miss Whitelady’s hair!)
    dammit.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      My Mom colored her hair pretty much all her life. She once said that she had gone completely white by the time she was thirty. Luckily I avoided that, and my Dad’s enlarging forehead, until I was well over 60. Didn’t mean this as a downer for anyone, just a humorous reminder. Living longer means we have more time to complain. 🙂

      Like

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    Hi Archon, I’ve had bifocals since I was seven years old. Does that mean I’m ancient, or been here before, or just have crappy eye genes? This post is funny.

    Like

  4. Dylan Hearn says:

    Loved this post, so many apply to me

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Thanx for stopping by and commenting. Feel free to enjoy(?) my stream-of-unconsciousness posts any time. There’s no duty paid, or shipping charges to England, and you get to read them five hours before North Americans.

      Like

      • Dylan Hearn says:

        Thank you, I will, and by all means feel free to drop by at my blog. I charge a high rate of tax per read but you can always refuse to pay, then print them out and dump them in Boston harbour.

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        I will try to stop by occasionally, although my quick look last night revealed nothing I’d want to dump in Boston harbour. Just to be clear, not only is it a thousand miles away, it’s on the wrong side of the magical, mystical line which makes me Canadian, and still your American cousin. 😉

        Like

  5. Jim Wheeler says:

    Good ones all right. Here’s one I’ve been saying for a while now: You know you’re getting old when just taking care of yourself takes up ALL your time! Lately it’s getting close to the truth though. 😉

    Like

  6. Archon's Den says:

    I had to retire to have the time to drive the wife, and daughter, to medical appointments. Aside from that little eye thing last year, I’m too busy to be sick, just stiff and sore. Whaa! 😉

    Like

  7. Frank says:

    Thanks for the long dose of Archonisms …. and that supply just doesn’t seem to go dry!

    Like

  8. Kayjai says:

    I’m sorry…I can’t relate to ANY of these things. I’m too young…at heart. Or so I’d like to think. Okay…maybe a few creaks and I’m blind as a bat, but other than that I’m good! Ugh…

    Like

  9. Archon's Den says:

    How can an 18-year-old beauty have an 18-year-old daughter?? A mystery of the universe. I’m related to all these things. 😦

    Like

  10. benzeknees says:

    Your life sounds so much like mine! Except for me being an insomniac so even when I go to bed at 4 a.m. I’m still up by 10 a.m. & some night I just don’t sleep at all anymore. I “rest” by going to bed & reading the night through.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      That’s what my Mom did as she grew older. Now that we’re retired, we “try” to keep a schedule, but often it comes down to *sleep when you’re tired*, sometimes two or three short sprints in a day.

      Like

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