Benny

Once upon a time, long ago, in a faraway land, there lived a poor beggar named Abu Ben Sharif.  He was known to all who met him as Benny the Beggar.  One day, a fantastically fortunate thing happened to Benny.  As he was trudging his dusty way down a long, hot road, he met a fancy coach coming the other way.  As the coach thundered past him in a cloud of dust, Benny noticed something fall from the coach, and bounce into a roadside ditch.

Curious to see what it was, he went over to pick it up and look at it.  It was a shiny brass lamp.  Now, of course, Benny had heard the story of Aladdin’s magical lamp, but he didn’t believe in things like that.  Still, if all the dust were brushed off it, it would look a lot better, and probably bring a higher price, if he decided to sell it.  Besides, it wouldn’t hurt to shine it up a little, just in case.

Of course, we all know what happened!!  As soon as Benny rubbed the lamp, a giant genie appeared and called him “Master”, and promised him anything he wanted, any time he wanted, for as long as he had the lamp….But….with one small condition.  He was never to cut his hair or shave his beard, for as long as he kept the lamp.  If he did, a terrible thing would happen to him, although the genie would not say what that was.

All went well for almost three long years.  Benny lived in the lap of luxury, eating and drinking the best, and wearing the finest clothes, surrounded by beautiful willing girls.  There was one small point of discontent, though.  He looked and felt scruffy.  All that hair got in his way, so he got to thinking, “Why shouldn’t I take all this hair off?  Why would a genie expect me to keep it??  This is silly!!  He probably wouldn’t care if I got a shave and haircut!”  So he did….and nothing happened.

“Ah!” thought Benny, “It was all just a bluff; just a big joke.” And he went on his merry way looking and feeling much better.  The next day though, the promised catastrophe occurred.  He picked up the lamp and rubbed it to summon the genie, so that he could ask for more gold.

As soon as the genie appeared, he looked at Benny and shouted, “You have broken your agreement!!  Now you will suffer the consequences!!!”  And, in a flash of light, and a cloud of smoke, faster than the eye could follow, Benny was transformed into a large, ugly-looking clay pot, full of dust and ashes.

“That’ll teach him.” said the genie, “A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned!!”

 

LOST DOG

Somebody put up a notice on the lamp-post in front of my house, about a missing dog.  He has three legs.  He’s blind in the right eye, missing the left ear.  His tail is broken.  He was recently castrated….and answers to the name LUCKY!

 

If I could live my life over again, I’d make the SAME MISTAKES, I’d just start SOONER!

 

Back when I worked in an office, a friend handed me, what I thought was a business card.  “Keep it handy.” he said.  When I had a chance to read it, it said,

“Your story has touched my heart.  Never before have I met anyone with more or deeper troubles than you.  Please accept this expression of my sincere sympathy.  NOW FUCK OFF and quit bothering me!”

Someone else slipped me a note which read:

 

Be Careful

Scientists have succeeded in

Producing an Atomic-Powered

Electronically-controlled,

Self-actuating, Totally automatic,

Mobile, Fuck-up Machine.

Now, you too can be replaced.

 

The New Priest

A new priest, at his first mass, was so scared he couldn’t speak.  He asked the Monsignor how he had done.  The Monsignor said, “Fine, but next week, it might help if you put a little Vodka or Gin in your water, to help relax you.

The next week, the priest spiked his water with lots of Vodka, and really kicked up a storm with his sermon.  After mass, again, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.  “Well, fine enough, but there are a few things you should get straight!”

1         There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

2         There are 12 disciples, not 10.

3         David slew Goliath; he didn’t kick the shit out of him.

4         We do not refer to Jesus Christ, as “The Late J.C.”

5         Next Sunday, there is a taffy-pulling party at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling party at St. Taffy’s.

6         The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook.

Have a laugh, have a laugh, have a laugh on me!  Next post….who knows??!

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24 thoughts on “Benny

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Big daddy, junior and the spook. Classic! 🙂

    Like

  2. bulldog says:

    Now these have given me a good laught this morning … thank you… thought you might enjoy this one…
    ZEN Teachings

    1.Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
    2. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
    3. No one is listening until you fart.
    4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
    8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
    11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
    12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind shield.
    13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
    18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just get worse.
    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night…… (how true is this?)

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  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I actually (no lie) owned a black cat, who got shot twice in the head, and his name was Lucky…

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      TWICE? And lived? He really was Lucky. 🙂

      Like

      • whiteladyinthehood says:

        Yes! The first time they shot him, I think it was a real gun/bullet, it grazed the bone above his eye and nicked off part of his ear (heck of a scar).. the second time – probably w/ a metal bebe gun, a bulls-eye shot -I saw the xray – it put a perfectly round hole in his skull right between his eyes.

        Like

  4. BrainRants says:

    I need those “amazing, touching” story cards. Also, “Never piss on a fence that you’re unsure about being electrified.”

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      With desk-top publishing, you could make up a few easily.
      I found my first electrified fence with my thumb over a rifle barrel. Not quite the same, but I was surprised it didn’t discharge. I know I almost did. 😕

      Like

  5. I think I knew that first guy! Lived up on a small mountain. We called him Benny Hill. (Rimshot #1.)
    Remember this old saying – when the chips are down, the buffalo move on. (Rimshot #2.)
    And, as always, a bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. (SPLAT!)
    True story – I went to the RHLI museum in Hamilton, met some of the old vets, and they were so shocked that someone would drive up from Chicago just to see their museum, they took ME out to lunch! Best day of my life (next to my wedding – I wanna continue living), I go walking out of the building feeling like I’m on cloud 9, and SPLAT! Yep – I’m with Hamilton’s truly finest, and a dang pigeon craps on my shoulder.
    Some days….. 😀

    Like

  6. bulldoglinda says:

    Thanks for the good laugh.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      We can all use a good laugh, some more than others. It helps produce good health. There’ll be more in a couple of weeks. Till then….do you like cats? I’m trying to get a photo story about my gravatar cat published. 🙂

      Like

      • bulldoglinda says:

        We certainly can. Will be watching for the next lot. I think it is great that you want to publish you’re photos, let me know how it goes. I love cats, but unfortunately I am allergic to them so I can’t have one. But that does not stop me from cuddling someone else’s now and then.

        Like

  7. Michelle says:

    Haha! Good stuff!

    Like

  8. benzeknees says:

    A laugh from you today, just what I needed!

    Like

  9. sightsnbytes says:

    love the jokes. I gave our pastor a copy of the priest joke He is going to print it in the Sunday misselette

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I don’t know whether either of those is a good idea or not. If the island is still floating on Monday, you’re both safe. 😕
      BTW, WordPress is on a rampage again. Your gravatar changed to a Mondrian-like geometric. 😦

      Like

  10. Kayjai says:

    Thanks for the smile. 🙂

    Like

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