Some Religious Thoughts

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” – Epicurus circa 300 BCE

I’ve heard of Christians evolving into Atheists.  Is that possible?

What Would Jesus Do?

Teacher: And remember, boys and girls; always ask yourself ‘What would Jesus do?’

Student #1: Make my friends drink my blood, like a vampire?

Teacher: What?

Student #2: And eat my flesh, like a cannibal?!

Teacher: Wait –

Student #3: Vilify my own people?

Teacher: Now, hold on –

Student #4: Condone slavery? Jesus condoned slavery.

Teacher: Hang on. What I mean is –

Student #5: Rebel against authority and wind up being executed?

Teacher: Look, it’s not about –

Student #6: I have an uncle called Jesus.

Teacher: Oh… Okay…?

Student #6: He sells drugs in Mexico.

Teacher: Forget it.

Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong

Being gay is not natural – because Americans always reject un-natural things, like eyeglasses, polyester and air-conditioning.

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay – in the same way hanging around tall people encourages them to be tall.

Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.  People will even want to marry their pets – because a dog has legal standing, and can sign a marriage contract.

Straight marriage has been around for a long time, and hasn’t changed at all – women are still property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed – the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55 hour, just-for-fun marriage, and Larry King’s 10 weddings will be destroyed.

Straight marriages are valid because they produce children – gay couples, infertile couples and seniors should not be allowed to marry – because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

Gay parents will obviously raise gay children – because straight parents raise only straight children.

Gay marriage is not supported by religion.  In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are inflicted on the entire nation.  That’s why we have only one religion in the world.

Children can only succeed if there is a male and a female role model in the home – that’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise kids.

Gay marriage will change the foundation of society – we could never adapt to new social norms, like we failed to adapt to cars, the service-sector economy and longer life-spans.

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During the recent flooding in Alberta, a man took refuge from the rising water on the roof of his house.  A guy in a canoe came along and asked him if he wanted a ride.  He said No, that he was a good Christian, who believed that God would save him.  As the flood waters rose, two men in a motorboat came by and offered to rescue him.  Again, he stated his faith in God, and waved them on their way.

With the waters lapping at the eaves of his house, a helicopter flew over.  He told them to look for others, because he was sure that God would spare him.  Of course, he was swept to his death.

When he arrived at Heaven, he had the audacity to castigate God Himself.  “I believed in You.  I’ve been a good and obedient Christian.  How could You abandon me, and let me die??”  All-forgiving God quietly replied, “I sent you a canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter.  What more did you wish Me to do?”

The reality is, that’s not really a joke!

The 10 Commandments: A Parody Written in 3 minutes

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me… Because you know, I, God, am a jealous little controlling psychopath. 

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image… But if you must, please, Instagram that shit. 

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain… Jesus Fucking Christ, do I really need to be telling you idiotic cows this? 

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy… Unless the football game is on, then fuck it! 

5. Honour thy father and thy mother… because you ruined their sex life the moment you were conceived.

6. Thou shalt not kill… Only I, the Almighty, can do that – especially the homos, kill the bum boys! 

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery… But by all means, take a few wives, heck, chain the bitches up and call them “concubines”. 

8. Thou shalt not steal… because stealing a loaf of bread is worst than rape, which is absolutely fine by the way. 

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour… Once again, this neighbour shit is way more important than rape and pedophilia.

10. Thou shalt not covet… because you can see, but you can’t touch. 😉

Good Intentions, Misguided Planning

A family of five left Arizona, moved to San Diego, bought a sailboat, and got into trouble on the high seas.  Now, I can think of a couple of places where the average knowledge about sailing would be lower than Arizona.

Two, thirtyish parents, a 3 year-old girl, his father, and she gave birth to another daughter while they spent 91 days, without setting foot on land.  Not members of any denomination, they described themselves as “good Christians”, who didn’t believe in abortion and homosexuality in  ”the state-controlled church.”

Storms damaged their boat, and blew it off course – off almost anybody’s course.  They drifted for weeks, and were rescued by the helicopter of a Venezuelan fishing boat, where they spent five days, before being transferred to a Japanese cargo vessel, where they spent another three weeks, before landing in Chile.

They had “decided to take a leap of faith, and see where God took us.”  God gave them a slap up-side the head, for endangering themselves and others, including two tiny children, and put them back where they belonged, in Arizona.  Do they accept God’s guidance and care, and their own stupidity, and blind arrogance?  Yeah, right!  Now they talk of having to “come up with a new plan.”

Serious comments only please!  I am not attacking or vilifying.  I wish discussion, not a flamewar.  If you are angry, you’re not thinking, only reacting, and probably with someone else’s opinion.  Respectful disagreement is welcomed, but prove your point.

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14 thoughts on “Some Religious Thoughts

  1. BrainRants says:

    If I read your refined sarcasm here correctly, I completely agree with your outlook. I also think this is most excellent troll bait. Let me know when our buddy hotspur shows up.

    Like

  2. aFrankAngle says:

    This is the first time I’ve encountered a correlation between being gay, eyeglasses, polyester and air-conditioning. The things we learn on a daily basis!

    Sure Christians become Atheists … and agnostics too. After all, it’s their choice.

    Meanwhile, I disagree with Epicurus because I see evil is a human endeavor – thus a downside of free will.

    Like

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Analyses like this are often viewed by the religious as attacks on religion, but I think they are also an appeal for reason. This one is pretty good, Archon, although I think it is less persuasive because of a generally derisive tone. The section on gay marriage is the most-reasoned, I think.

    I have long been admiring of the Epicurus quote. It has a permanent place in the margin of my own blog. I understand our colleague aFrank’s objection to it, that evil is a function of free will. If that is the case, however, then what is the purpose of prayer, a crucial function of Christianity? Where is the meaning of “Give us this day our daily bread” and “deliver us from evil”? What else can that be but praying for God to intervene, and with the expectation that He will? But if He intervenes, isn’t free will revealed as an illusion? The “Good Intentions” segment of this post, the Arizona sailing family, is illustrative of this, albeit a rather extreme example. (I do remember reading of this incident in the news. It’s true.) Thus, the conundrum.

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    • Archon's Den says:

      I borrowed from several sources, some more well-mannered than others, to demonstrate how the “other half” feels.

      I’ve got a couple of examples of how the slightest questioning of the most extreme behavior is viewed as a blanket condemnation of “all Christianity” coming later. 😉

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  4. Hansi says:

    Wow…you covered just about all bases. Great rant. Could have hit on our stupid drug laws, and the war on em that we’re losing.

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    • Archon's Den says:

      Sadly, I haven’t even got to first base with religious FOOL-osophy. There’s always lots more. The war on drugs hasn’t been going on for as long, nor involve as many people, and deserves to be kept separate from it, although I could throw in a coda about the Holy Cuban Embargo for some added, hypocritical laughs. 😉

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  5. Kayjai says:

    I think having been raised Catholic, I am permitted to switch into the agnostic category. ( I believe I read on another blog that Christians rarely switch to becoming agnostic or atheist. I guess I’m rare) I don’t believe I have reached the atheist podium just yet. It’s a continuing battle between Catholic-Me and Realistic-Me…I’m not sure that war will ever end…

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    • Archon's Den says:

      It depends on the depth of belief. One young priest at the wife’s Catholic Church merely became Anglican, married and a parent. Another claimed he’d had it with religion of all kinds and went back to university. You can still have a spiritual life without the bureaucratic trappings of a church. Don’t let men tell you how to deal with God. 🙂

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  6. benzeknees says:

    I am a Christian, but I don’t believe every word in the Bible. The Bible is a story about the birth of Christianity.
    Thou shalt not steal – I believe rape is stealing a woman’s right to govern her own body; pedophilia is stealing a child’s innocence. Thou shalt not steal covers a lot of ground.

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