That’s Gratitude For You

Once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away, there was a great king, who ruled over a large kingdom.  He was a good king, who ruled fairly, and well, but there are always malcontents, and so there were in his kingdom.

There arose a plot to have him assassinated, and replaced by one of the Noblemen from the court.  This man wanted desperately to be King, and convinced three of the other Counts to abet him in his nefarious scheme, telling them he would make a better King.

He hatched a plan whereby the other three Counts would kill the King, while he was out of the country, so that no suspicion would fall on him, and the people would accept him as the new King.

The plan failed, however, and the three Counts were captured, tried, convicted, and sentenced to death.  The King decided to give them one last chance though, and went to see them in prison.  “I know that you three are not the ones responsible for this plot.” he said, “So if you will tell me who the ringleader is, I will set you free if you swear never to try such a thing again.”

The nobles steadfastly refused to say a thing, so they were marched out to the headsman’s block.  One by one, they were placed on it, and each time they were asked for the ringleader’s name, they stonily remained silent.  Two of them met the blade without a word.  The third man was placed on the block.  Just as the axe descended, he shouted, “I’ll tell!  I’ll tell!” but it was too late, and the King never learned who was plotting against him.

The moral of this story is; Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken.

 

MY  MOM

St. Mary’s Home for the Aged

Kitchener, Ontario

February 30, 1967

 

Dear Gentlemen:

I want to thank you very much for the lovely gift of the table radio.  It’s just wonderful that absolute strangers such as yourselves remember people like us.

I am a lady, 86 years old, and have been here at the home for 25 years.  They treat us well, but the loneliness is sometimes difficult to bear.

My room-mate, Mrs. Finney, is a very nice person, but the lady is very stingy.  She has a table radio, but she won’t let me use it.  She even turns it off whenever I come into the room.  Now, thanks to you, I have my own radio.

My son and daughter-in-law are very nice, and they come to visit me once a month.  I do appreciate that, but I understand their sense of obligation.  This makes your gift all the more wonderful, since it was not given from a sense of pity, but from a feeling of compassion for a fellow human being.

Today, Mrs. Finney’s radio went out of order, and she asked me if she could share your wonderful gift, and listen to my radio.  I told her to go fuck herself.

Again, please accept my heartfelt thanks.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs. Smith

 

 

THE RULES

 

  1.  The Female always makes The Rules.
  2. The Rules are subject to change without notice.
  3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
  4. If a Female suspects that a Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
  5. The Female is never wrong.
  6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the Male said or did.
  7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
  9. The Male must never change his mind without specific written consent from the Female.
  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
  14. If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void

Smiles everyone!  Smiles!

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11 thoughts on “That’s Gratitude For You

  1. Wow and holy crap! Don’t even know where to start so I’ll just say happy new year 🙂

    Like

  2. BrainRants says:

    I always enjoy your installments of wit.

    Like

  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    The rules have to constantly change because males won’t stop coming up with new ways to screw up! (I would ask you if I was right, but I already know the answer)

    Like

  4. benzeknees says:

    So you finally figured out how to live with a female?

    Like

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