There’s No Excuse

To save everyone’s time, post this list near your desk or workspace, and everybody can just take a number.

 

TABLE OF EXCUSES

 

  1.  That’s the way we’ve always done it.
  2. I didn’t know you were in a hurry for it.
  3. That’s not in my department.
  4. No-one told me to go ahead with it.
  5. I’m waiting for an OK on it.
  6. That’s his job – not mine!
  7. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.
  8. I forgot.
  9. I didn’t think it was that important.
  10. I’m so busy I just didn’t get around to it.
  11. I thought I told you.
  12. I wasn’t hired to do that

 

NOT KIDDING AROUND

 

Dear Doctor;

 

I wish to apply for a Vasectomy operation to endure my sterility.  The reasons for this are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that most of the methods of contraception amd are absolutely useless.

After I got married, I was told to use the rhythm method.  Despite trying the Tango, and the Samba, my wife became pregnant, and I suffered a hernia while doing the Cha-Cha.  Apart from the obvious deficiencies, where in the Hell can you get a dance band at 5 o’clock in the morning?

Another doctor suggested that we use the “Safe Period” after this, but at the time we were living with the in-laws, and we had to wait for three weeks for the house to be empty for a “Skag Safe Period.”  Needless to say, this didn’t work either.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast feeding it would be all right.  It’s hardly Jack Daniels, but I did end up with silky hair, a clear skin, and my wife pregnant again.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse it would prevent pregnancy.  After the constant breast feeding from our earlier attempts, if my wife were to jump up and down, she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconcuous.

I asked a pharmacist about the sheath.  He demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet.  My wife became pregnant again, which didn’t surprise me.  I fail to see how stretching a rubber over a thumb, as the pharmacist showed me, can prevent pregnancy.

My wife was then supplied with a coil, and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized that we had one with a left-hand thread, and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The diaphragm, or “Dutch Cap” came next.  We were very hopeful about this method, and it didn’t interfere with our sex life at all.  Alas, it gave my wife a number of headaches.  Even though we got the largest size available, it was just too tight across her forehead.

Finally, and in desperation, we tried the pill.  At first it kept falling out.  Then we realized we were doing it wrong.   My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her at all.

You must appreciate my problem.  If this operation is not a success, we will have to resort to oral sex, and just sitting around, talking about it, can never be a substitute for the real thing.

 

Yours hopefully

John Smith

 

CORPORATE IMPROVEMENT

 

To:  ALL EMPLOYEES

From:  PERSONNEL  DEPARTMENT

As a result of new “effective management programming” and a declining work load, management must, of necessity, take steps to reduce our work force.

Arrangements have been developed which appear to be the most equitable, under the circumstances.

Under the plan, older employees will be placed on retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger workers, who represent the future of the company.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel, by the end of the year, via early retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.  This programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)

Employees who are RAPEd, will be given an opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that, while being RAPEd, they request a review of their employment records, before actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the operation is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)

All employees who have been RAPEd and SCREWed, may also apply for a final review.  This will be called SHAFT. (Study of Higher Authority Following Termination)

“Effective Management Programming” dictates that employees may be RAPEd once, and SCREWed twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.

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13 thoughts on “There’s No Excuse

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    The first act drew out so many emotions. The second act was funny. The third act was scary and true.

    Like

  2. Jim Wheeler says:

    Archon, your Table of Excuses reminded me of an old essay by one Elbert Hubbard. Entitled “A Message to Garcia”, it was wildly popular with both business and the military at the end of the nineteenth century and long after, so much so that it was included as a pamphlet in the back of every Midshipman’s book of regulations at the Naval Academy when I was there. It still is for all I know.

    Like

  3. shimoniac says:

    Oh! The last one was meant as a joke. I didn’t realize until someone told me. It’s like what I get at work.

    Like

  4. benzeknees says:

    This had me in stitches Archon! With all the furor going on in the blogosphere & my recent COPD diagnosis, I needed the lift!

    Like

  5. Archon's Den says:

    Always glad to give you a lift. I don’t know if I actually made you smile, but I hope I at least undid a frown. What blogosphere furor? I hide in the den and often miss what is going on. Has Hotspur been naughty again? 😕 🙂

    Like

  6. Seven children, oh lordy, I don’t think I could handle that many.

    Like

  7. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Kidding around was so funny!

    Like

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