It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
PREFERRED: I’m certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No fucking way.
OLD: You’ve got to be shitting me.
PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.
PREFERRED: Of course I’m concerned
OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.
PREFERRED: I wasn’t involved in that project.
OLD: It’s not my fucking problem.
PREFERRED: That’s interesting behavior.
OLD: What the fuck?
PREFERRED: I’m not sure I can implement this.
OLD: Fuck it, it won’t work.
PREFERRED: I’ll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?
PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem, Bill?
OLD: Who the fuck cares, asshole?
PREFERRED: He’s not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He’s got his head up his ass.
PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
PREFERRED: So you weren’t happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my ass.
PREFERRED: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
PREFERRED: I don’t think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your ass.
PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.
PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss?
PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Bite me.
PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another fucking meeting.
PREFERRED: I don’t think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don’t give a shit.
PREFERRED: He’s somewhat insensitive.
OLD: He’s a fucking prick.
PREFERRED: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
OLD: She’s a ball-busting bitch.
PREFERRED: I think you could use more training.
OLD: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch light fade from every room.
Pensitive people look back and lament,
Another day, uselessly spent.
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love, and has none.
Senior citizens wish they had some.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Cold-hearted orb, that rules the night.
Removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey, and yellow, white,
But we decide which is right.
And which, is an illusion….