Did you hear about the moron who:
Ran through a screen door, and strained himself?
Wrapped his watch in cellophane to keep the ticks out of his pocket?
Took his knees apart to see if there was any beer left in the joints?
Took a bottle of whiskey to bed so that he could sleep tight?
Cut off his fingers so that he could write shorthand?
Watered his garden with whiskey so that he could grow stewed tomatoes?
Took a ladder to a bar so that he could get as high as he wanted?
Thought a mushroom was a place to neck in?
Sewed his fingers together so that he could wear mitts?
Ate gunpowder so that his hair would grow in short bangs?
Sat at the corner with two pieces of bread, waiting for the traffic jam?
Cut a hole in his rug so that he could see the floor show?
Saluted the refrigerator because he heard it was General Electric?
Slept on his stomach so that the Japanese couldn’t bomb his naval base?
Takes a yardstick to bed to see how long he sleeps?
Took a bicycle to bed so that he wouldn’t walk in his sleep?
Moved into the city because he heard the country was at war?
Sat up all night studying for a blood test?
Went to a lumber yard looking for the draft board?
Put his head out the window so that the wind would blow his nose?
Stayed up all night wondering where the sun went when it went down? It finally dawned on him!
Met a girl in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since?
Took milk and sugar to watch TV because he heard they were showing a serial?
Took his nose apart to see what made it run?
Was so modest he went into the closet to change his mind?
Cut off his hand so he could play the piano by ear?
Killed his mother and father so that he could go to the orphans’ picnic?
Went to the Navy Yard to see a blood vessel?
Backed out of the bus because he heard someone was going to pinch his seat?
Sent six kids to bed and set the alarm for 3 because only three wanted to get up?
Put crumbs in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes?
Wouldn’t talk about crude oil because it wasn’t refined?
Thought he was dying so he went into the living room?
Stayed up all night trying to put a diaper on a cigarette butt?
Went to the hospital and had a chair put beside his bed for rigor mortis to set in?
Was arrested for not having a little moron? (more on)
Jumped off a tall building to show the crowd he had guts?
Typed emails to his girlfriend slowly because he knew she couldn’t read fast?
Went to the Post Office to pick up a letter, and when asked for his name he said he didn’t have to give it because it was already on the envelope?
Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education?
Went to the closet to change his mind but couldn’t find a clean one?
Poked out his eyes when he went on a blind date?
Ate five pennies and then asked people if they saw any change in him?
Wanted to know how many wheels a football coach had?
Cut off his left arm so that he could be all right?
Put his chin on the curb so that he could keep his mind out of the gutter?
Didn’t pay when he boarded the bus because his name was Crime, and “Crime doesn’t pay”?
Went to bed on his wedding night with all his clothes on because he’d been told he’d be going to town by midnight?
The Italian Who Went to Detroit
(Please read with Italian accent)
One day Ima gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella di waitress I want two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss! I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know di lady, an she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon anna knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She say evvybody wanna fock. I tell her you no unnerstan, I wanna fock on di table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call di manager an tell him I wanna shit. He tells me to go to the toilet. I say, you no unnerstan, I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to da checkout, an di man at di desk say “Peace on You.” I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.