“Heaven’s For Real” Rant

In my Jesus Loves You post of April 22, I mentioned how exclusionary and judgemental many “Good Christians” can be if you don’t exactly match their idiomatic religious expectations.  The more extreme the group, the more difficult that can be, since they almost contend with each other to be more rigid and unforgiving.  Several years ago, a Palestinian terrorist group began killing members of other Palestinian terrorist groups – because they weren’t killing enough Jews and Christians.

When I used WordPress to see what others were writing about “Christian”, I found this review rant about a feel-good little movie – titled, Heaven’s For Real- EXPOSED!

The Uber-Christians complain so often about Hollywood not presenting Christianity in a positive light.  I thought that a movie validating one of its basic precepts would be happily accepted and celebrated.  Once again I overestimated.  This sad little man’s screed was disturbing and depressing.

The movie kid claimed that Jesus had a rainbow horse, with lots of colors. Well, that sort of thinking just can’t be allowed.  To these Ultra-Christians, rainbow means gay, and gay is simply unacceptable.  This over-serious Bible-thumper claimed Christ has a “pure, white horse” to battle the Antichrist.  Apparently the thought that Jesus might possess more than one horse in Heaven, including a pretty, rainbow horse to please a six-year-old boy, wouldn’t fit into his narrow little mind.

The kid claimed that Jesus had a pink crown with a diamond in the middle, and wore purple.  The thumper insisted Christ would have seven stars in his right hand and a sword coming from his mouth.  He didn’t say whether the point was in or out, but declared that Christ would not wear pink, or purple – because they’re effeminate, and Christ can’t be effeminate.  He claims that Christ-in-Heaven wears gold, although the Bible passage he quoted only says that Christ has a golden sash across his robe.

He rails that the kid says that Christ has “markers.”  “What use would Christ have for markers?  They weren’t even invented!”  When?  The movie is set in the present day!  Not having read the book or seen the movie, I don’t know if he (again, narrow-mindedly) can only imagine felt-tip ink markers, but I can think of a couple of types of markers Jesus might use.

I know I shouldn’t bait the trolls, but I asked if Jesus was a sword-swallower in a carnival.  He came charging back with two more “sword from the mouth” Biblical references – one from the Old Testament, before Christ was even born.  He averred that, “Since Jesus is God; His word is the sword to cleave unbelievers.”

I replied that, since Bob is Richard, he hadn’t understood, but did now.  It was obvious that the Bible was not a book to be taken literally, since there were passages where what was clearly written was not what was meant.

I would have liked to be in the room with him, just to see steam spew from his ears.  It might have been dangerous though.  If the pressure was too much, his head might have exploded.  He didn’t exactly accuse me of misinterpreting.  What he said was, “So, you’re going to send me a $50 donation?  If words don’t mean what they say, then I can interpret your comment any way I want.”

Might as well, you’ve got this interpret-it-as-you-please thing going pretty well.  This is where the cognitive dissonance, and refusal to see – or think, kicks in.  He said: that a sword coming from the mouth was actually the word of God.  He said: that Jesus – is God.  Did The Kid get a promotion, or did he bump the Old Guy off?  He said: that the Word Of God was actually delivered by Jesus.

By his own editing and interpretation, he has said that the words he quoted don’t mean what they say – therefore, the Bible can not be taken literally, but he’s angry at me for pointing this out!

He admitted to another less-strenuous Christian commenter, that there is a Bible passage which describes a rainbow around God’s throne, but rainbow horses must be Satan’s work.  There’s a rainbow horse in The Wizard of Oz, and that’s an occult movie.  He claims that there is also a sodomite lion.  I don’t remember either of those.  Maybe I didn’t get the XXX version that he rented.

I am still bewildered by what purpose such unremitting negativity serves.  He’s in for a surprise when he gets to Heaven and finds that he’s not on the guest list, but assigned to the serving staff, holding the kid’s rainbow horse, and fetching him markers.




16 thoughts on ““Heaven’s For Real” Rant

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Your posts never fail to amaze me. My jaw is still on the floor and refuses to come up. Who the Hell are these sanctimonious jackwads? I want to pop that guy in the gut and ask him how he thinks he is good enough to get into this fictitious place called heaven.


    • Archon's Den says:

      The chances to be Holier-Than-Thou are seemingly endless. It requires only severe paranoia, and industrial-strength conspiracy theory.

      Disney is run by Satanists, bringing out such animated movies as Frozen. If you accept that the heroine is different, because she can freeze things, you might also accept that being homosexual-different is okay.

      The little 17-second video of a woman tickling a kitten’s tummy, and then going Wheee. and the kitten throwing out its four paws – “Is pro-gay, and pro-bestiality.”

      I found just last night, that the old Association song Windy is full of occult references, though the post didn’t point out what any of them actually were.

      If I were running Heaven, these nasty minds wouldn’t get in, or would be dry-cleaned, fluffed and neatly folded first. 😯


  2. Jim Wheeler says:

    The prospect of eternal life is the bait dangled by the bible and heaven is where the fortunate are supposed to spend it.

    Even when I went to church, as I did for many years, I thought it curious that the bible, the sole, inconsistent but unquestioned source of God’s revelations to his people, says so little about what that is like. John, 14, 2, says

    In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.

    Sounds like some kind of boarding arrangement. If there’s a house, does that mean there’s weather? Is there a common dining room? Will I like my neighbor next door? Are the walls soundproof?

    I understand that the LDS church’s books are more forthcoming, saying that each of the faithful will be given a planet of their own to rule in the afterlife. But the bible itself is silent on the details, and it seems obvious to me why that is. As soon as one starts to visualize an actual reality of eternal life in a heavenly realm, all manner of questions arise, questions that strain credulity.

    Down here on the Earth, life is composed of gritty reality. From the moment of birth we are immersed in it: birth defects, disease, injury, variance of talents. Our very being is material – the feel of clothing, the taste of food, the use of money, sanitation (are there bathrooms in heaven?), weather, war, natural disaster. Even, perhaps especially, the pleasures of life are material: reading, television, movies, sex. Hunting and fishing, even. What would life be like without all that reality? Will we see people we know in heaven and will we feel the same towards them as we did down here? Which realities will remain in heaven, and if not any, then what are we to imagine might take their place? There’s no basis for it.

    The bible presents heaven like an ad from a car dealer: “Trust us, you’re going to love it”. Unfortunately, the bible doesn’t permit a test drive and there’s not even any fine print to read. Take it or leave it, but if you leave it, you go to a different place, similarly mysterious except to say that you are going to suffer there. Forever. What a deal.


    • Archon's Den says:

      The Ex-Catholic wife still vaguely believes. She has said that she would sooner go to Hell than go to Heaven and meet her abusive family. A place with people who disparage and beat you, isn’t Heaven. That’s the very definition of Hell, yet, they were convinced they’d rise up – and she’s still convinced that they’re right. 😦


  3. Christianity promises everlasting life for those who believe. If one could be, say 35, forever it would be tempting. If you’re gonna be stuck with 65+ and bone weary forever, who the hell would want it?


    • Archon's Den says:

      If Heaven exists, it must be infinitely variable. You could see yourself as a pain-free 25-year-old, while the person addressing you would view the 65-year-old they knew. That’s not good enough for these narrow-minded twits. Their, “My way, or the highway” is carved in stone. 😦


  4. Kayjai says:

    D1 saw the movie and her only comment was ‘it was sad’..because the kid died at some point. Other idiots like to fuck up stuff they have only narrow minded views on and push those on everybody…its up to the realists to step in and throw some thought into it.


  5. Archon's Den says:

    “My mind is made up, don’t confuse me with the facts!” It’s like boxing with the Pillsbury Doughboy, even when the realists think they’ve landed a punch, these idiots just giggle and walk back to their “reality.” 😦


  6. BrainRants says:

    You didn’t know rainbows meant gay?

    I’ve stopped consuming media precisely for this reason. Stupidity. Not your blog… what you wrote about.


  7. Archon's Den says:

    I thought rainbows meant bigotry and moral persecution, and it’s getting hard to avoid it. 😦


  8. Sightsnbytes says:

    God gave us all the will to choose. How you believe is that right. some people take things to the extreme, such as playing records backwards so that they can hear the words of satan, etc. to each their own I guess. If people choose to believe or not, I believe that is their choice.


  9. Many false prophets have gone out these days. Beware for these wolves in sheep’s clothing. There are indeed the true ones, in which we must have a high level of discernment based on the scriptures, constant prayers to God for confirmation. Seeing their fruits also. Do they bear good fruits or bad fruits? A good tree cannot bear bad fruits, and vice versa.


  10. Kudos on that last line… 😉


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