Cowboy Wisdom

1  Never squat with your spurs on.

2  Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.

3  Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

4  The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm.  The colder it gets, the harder it is to swallow.

5  The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you shave his face every morning.

6  A woman marries a man thinking she can change him, but she can’t.  A man marries a woman thinking she’ll never change, but she does.

7  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

8  Never miss a good chance to keep your mouth shut.

 

Artistic Putdowns

  1. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  4. I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don’t give a damn.
  5. I like you. You remind me of me, when I was young and stupid.
  6. What am I?? Flypaper for freaks?
  7. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  9. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
  10. It’s a thankless job, but I have a lot of Karma to burn off.
  11. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  12. No! My powers can only be used for good.
  13. How about never? Is that good for you?
  14. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  15. You sound reasonable….time for my medication.
  16. Are you a little ray of sunshine every day?
  17. I’ll try being nicer, if you’ll try being smarter.
  18. I’m out of my mind – but feel free to leave a message
  19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  20. Who me?? I just wander from room to room.
  21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys.
  22. I may look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I’m quite busy.
  23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  24. You are validating my inherent distrust of strangers.
  25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  26. Someday, we’ll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
  27. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

The Process

I’m, as you imagine, as plain as plain can be.
The place is Piccadilly, the players, he and she.
She whimpers, Will it hurt?  Of course not whispers he,
It’s a very simple process, you can rely on me.

I’m really rather scared said she,
I haven’t had this before.
My friend has had it seven times.
She said it can be sore.

Then finally she consented
To lie back and relax a bit,
And quickly he bent over her,
And then he started it.

It was getting rather painful,
And tears flowed from her eyes.
It was really hurting now,
It must be quite a size.

Just try to be calm, he said,
His face filled with a grin.
Try and open a little wider,
So I can get in.

It’s coming now he said.
I know, she said with bliss.
Feeling deep within me
She said, I’m glad I’m having this.

And with a final effort,
She gave a final shout.
She grinned at him in anguish,
And he finally pulled it out.

She lay back, quite contented.
She sighed, and gave a smile
And said, I’m glad I came now,
You’ve made it worth my while.

Now if you read this carefully,
A dentist you will find.
It’s not what you imagine,
It’s just your dirty mind.

 

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Cowboy Wisdom

  1. You are officially awesome 🙂

    Like

  2. ladyryl says:

    Shows how well I know my father when I KNEW it was going to be a dentist in the last one…

    Like

  3. gotta like your poetry

    Like

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    Second time this week I need to pull my mind out of the gutter. Friend bought new van and said he was gonna christen it…I responded.with “Ick TMI…”, to which he responded, “Mind outta the gutter, J, I was talking about bringing some Goldfish crackers.” He has two little kids. Your poem was funny!

    Like

  5. Nan Falkner says:

    You are multitalented and I’m impressed! Also, above, I loved the “my brain is out, leave a message.” Wow – you should write for some of the late-night talk show hosts – they would improve! Good job! Nan 🙂

    Like

  6. benzeknees says:

    These were all very good Archon! One you missed that I still love to this day – “What part of NO do you not understand?”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s