Assaults And Indignities

 

Grammar Nazi

 

 

This is my annual rant about the mayhem inflicted by the uncaring speakers, but not really writers, of our beautiful mother tongue.  Ah, the things they think they’re saying, when they’re not really thinking at all.

A local reporter wrote a mournful piece about a plaintive in a court case.  Perhaps he thought that a plaintiff was just an ordinary fight.

Twice in two days, I read about a slathering fiend.  That’s your kid, when he puts too much peanut butter on his toast.  A slavering fiend drips saliva from his fangs.

You are more of a trooper than I am – only if you’re in the army or police force.  A member of a troupe of actors, who believes the show must go on, is a trouper.

No matter what path you lead before – confuses the past tense verb, led, with the metal, lead.

Taking a quick peak into the mall shops, happens because it’s often a sneak peek, two words which sound the same, but are spelled differently.  I don’t think they have any mountains in there.

From my prospective, I don’t think – Yes, it’s obvious you don’t think, you prospective dolt.  If you did, you’d think about a visual, or mental perspective.

The populous didn’t know what was happening.  That’s because the information didn’t go to the adjective, but to populace, the noun.

Song writers often miss the mark by trying to be creative.  An oldie, still sometimes played, bemoans “songs we used to like” and other, unnamed things, perhaps like bell-bottomed jeans and disco balls, which have gone out the window.  They may be gone, in the normal state of progress, but “gone out the window” is like throwing out the baby with the bath water – precipitately, prematurely, and without proper consideration.

A similar complaint could be made about the tune that sings about, “Our house, in the middle of the street.”  I can just see poor Mom, run over by a semi, roaring through the back door as she’s serving soup.  I’m pretty sure Our house, was, in the middle of the block.

There were hundreds of make-ship signs, but there were no ships, because the shiftless protesters only made make-shift signs, while they were at the coffee shop pouring over the details.  Fortunately none got spilled on the keyboard, and they found that, by getting right down to the skin, they were poring over details.

You might think that if two guys were either whaling, or wailing, at each other, one of them would be correct.  Sadly, not so!  Wales are strips, or ridges, as in wide-wale, or narrow-wale corduroy, a string-like fabric that once, only French kings could wear.  Corde du Roi – the string of the King.  The strips of planks which made up the hulls of wooden ships were wales, at the top of which were installed the cannons, making them gunwales, or gunnels, for the linguistically lazy.  So actually, these guys were waling on each other – shoulda used dictionaries.

To keep the fans appraised of what’s happening.  What’s happening is, I’ve appraised that the fans should have been apprised.

She didn’t let the news phase her, because she was in the phase where she didn’t know that she should be fazed.

The candidate was taking her queue from the Liberals.  If she stood in the line long enough, the stage manager would have given her her cue.

More bitching about crossword puzzles:

FAQs are not data.  They are Frequently Asked Questions.  The answers to the questions comprise the data.

Part of DVDVideo  Somebody just doesn’t know that the V in DVD stands for versatile.

Joyous to Burns – Aglee  Just because the word contains “glee,” doesn’t mean it’s happy.  It comes from the Scottish, “gley”, meaning squint, and means askew or awry.  SpellCheck doesn’t even recognize aglee.  I’ll have to click “Add to Dictionary.”

How so does not mean whyWherefore means why, despite generations of incorrect teaching of Romeo and Juliet.  How so (or howso) explains how something came to pass or exist, though showing that usually also displays why it occurred.

I wrote that I didn’t want to add any more to the problem.  SpellCheck/GrammarCheck insisted that it should be anymore, a totally different concept.  It also “corrected” a line to read, “I don’t know how you people does it.”

I used the word Clientele in a sentence.  SpellCheck insisted that it should be Clientage, an archaic word, hardly used anymore.  For a laugh, I agreed to put it in, and SpellCheck now insisted that it should be client age.  There’s just no pleasing this computer.

I don’t know if the writers of the TV series N. C. I. S. were serious, or making a joke, but they irritated me, twice.  They had the supposedly intelligent female lab tech describe a couple of agents, “grasping at hollow polystyrene tubes.”

Firstly, the statement is redundant.  If they’re hollow, they’re tubes.  If they’re not hollow, they’re rods.  Secondly, city-dwellers may not remember, but the saying refers to tall, dried grass stalks, not modern drinking implements.  If there are no logs or sticks handy, a drowning person will grasp at straws.

Suspect fleas officer – Why?  Did the officer have termites?

The stationary company, BIC – just sat there, making stationery.

You can have pie Alamo – but only in Texas.

The worst I found was, at least, a non-professional comment on a blog-site.  “Cookie Monster should of lernt restraint right from the start I which him the best”  Again, so few words, so many mistakes!  😦

Like too many others, this gal hears *should’ve* but doesn’t remember from school, and puts in *of* to make the (‘ve) sound.  Learnt is archaic, but acceptable, if you learned to spell it correctly.  She could have learned to put periods after “start” and “best”, and I wish people like her knew what they were writing about.

I’ll leave you with the best.  It’s still wrong, but it’s cute.  A guy wanted to sell his house, because he didn’t want to live on a cuddle sack.

 

Let’s Go To The Movies

I don’t know how old (young) I was when I first started going to movies, probably about 5 or 6.  There was a little movie theater in my home town which ran Saturday afternoon matinees.  They were often the same movies that adults attended on Saturday night, but back in the 1940s and ‘50s, there were no PG-14 or X-rated movies. They were all safe for kids, although I took shit from my sister for allowing my younger nephew to accompany me to Psycho.

My Mom gave me a quarter a week allowance, and off I went.  The adults’ evening shows were 35 cents, while the kids paid 15 cents in the afternoon.  That left me 10 cents for a 5 cent individual bag of chips, and a 5 cent chocolate bar, or box of toffee.

As I got to be 9 and 10, my younger brother was now the age I was when I started going to the movies, but it hadn’t occurred to Mom to give him any money.  One day he kinda complained, and asked if he could go with me.  The next week, I asked Mom if she would give me 30 cents instead of 25, and she gladly said yes.  I just never thought to tell her what the extra nickel was for.

For about six months we both attended the shows, just with nothing left to buy treats.  Finally it occurred to Mom to ask where he disappeared to each Saturday afternoon.  When she realized I was donating half my allowance to him, she started giving him his own.

It wasn’t till I moved away from home to get a job, that I realized what I had been viewing all those years.  These weren’t first-run movies!  Our little theater ran seconds and thirds.  After they’d been seen everywhere else, they came to my town.  For about fifteen years, I watched everything they put on the silver screen.  I saw every movie!

The theater wasn’t allowed to open on Sundays, so they ran three movies a week, one on Monday and Tuesday, a different one on Wednesday and Thursday, and yet a third on Friday and Saturday.  After I started delivering newspapers, and had a bit of cash of my own, I went almost every Monday, Thursday and Saturday night.

In the era of westerns, I watched hundreds of them, the Duke, John Wayne, Alan Ladd in Shane, Rory Calhoun – Martin and Lewis comedies, then Jerry solo, and Dean in the Matt Helm fiascos, James Coburn as Our Man Flint – musicals, Auntie Mame, Oklahoma, Clint Eastwood in Paint Your Wagon – stuff I didn’t understand till later, Kim Novack in Bell, Book and Candle, George Peppard in Walk, Don’t Run.

On the first of July, August, and September long weekends, the theater would run a Sunday midnight showing, actually Monday, to get around the closing by-law.  These were often Hammer Films, English horror pictures, good to take your girl, to get her to cuddle closer, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Fall of the House of Usher, or the dubbed Japanese jokes, Godzilla, or Mothra.

Early on, they were in black and white.  Later, color film arrived, as well as Technicolor and Cinemascope.  Showings usually started with previews of upcoming movies.  These were followed by cartoons, Woody Woodpecker or Bugs Bunny.  Often there was a “short” before the main feature, The Three Stooges, or The Bowery Boys, always still in gritty black and white.

The bowling alley in town was only open during the summer.  Back when pool rooms were dens of iniquity, I was not allowed to enter until I was 18, but started rather openly “sneaking in” when I was 13.  When the proprietor found that my Dad had no objections, he turned a blind eye, but all that allowed me to do was watch older players, because most of my same-age compatriots couldn’t get past the bouncer.

I/we frequented a couple of local restaurants, but, if you weren’t ordering French fries, or plugging money in the jukebox, you could get asked to leave.  You would also get thrown out if you gathered the ashes from all the ash-trays, and sprinkled vinegar on them.  The rank smell from that chemical stink-bomb was good for at least a week’s ban.  Going to the movies was the most financially rewarding way to while away some spare time.

If, what was depicted by movies wasn’t a reflection of reality, it at least educated me that other folks did and said things in ways that were different from our little microcosm.

Since the wife can’t attend theater movies because of inhalant allergies, she and I have not been out for years.  I still go with the son occasionally, but only for blockbusters which need the big screen.  I believe Avatar was the last.  I still haven’t watched Star Trek Into Darkness, so nobody tell me the ending.  (Did the butler do it?)       😕

Flash Fiction #11

Beothuk

Old Warrior

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He had known that she had a strong mind, and a sharp tongue, when he’d agreed to marry her.

They also serve, who only stand and wait, but he was a valiant warrior.  He should be defending his king, not following her with a wicker basket like a greengrocer, while she prowled the peasants’ market.

Beothuk, stand there!  Beothuk, remain for me here.  He could almost feel his joints seizing, and his muscles turning to stone.  If he remained unmoving much longer, he was sure that moss would begin to grow on him, and he would become but a statue….

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site.  Use her Wednesday picture as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

Breakdown

 

A little something for those of you with your Valium in a Pez dispenser.

Breakdown23042014

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who strain and strain, to give your utmost, and the company still demands more.

Paper Work

Paper Work

 

A little restraint for those with OCD, and fiddling fingers.  This is the local version, but ones with other languages are available at popular prices (I like them) in the gift shop as you leave.

MachineControl23042014

 

 

 

 

 

Included is a memo from the boss, verifying what you’ve felt and feared for years.

Test

Enthusiasm

cmsaward1

 

Since there’s never enough blog awards to go around, one of our number has graciously created yet another one to be shared.  Cordelia’s Mom felt that there should be a badge to acknowledge visits and comments (to her site), so she produced the Enthusiasm Award.  Only posting for about six months, she’s obviously more computer-savvy than me.  I only things I’ve created are chaos and confusion.

She and I both use a “That’s Life” tag regularly.  Whenever I check WordPress to “See what others are writing about,” I often find the most recent of her cute posts.  If you’ve still got a bit of free time, and don’t mind explaining to the nice officer what you’re doing, peering over the blog-fence, click on the link above and possibly be entranced and entertained.

Talk about no good deed going unpunished….  I would occasionally drop in and leave some erudite comments.  The next thing I know, she’s gone all Fatal Attraction on me and I’m on “A List!”  “Also known as – known to police – may be unarmed and dumber than advertised – known associates, Tickle Me Elmo and Bart Simpson.”

Her inspiration for this award was a comment she received on an early post, within five minutes of putting it up.  I’ve never had one that quickly.  I did get a response within fifteen minutes one night, from one of my semi-regulars.  While I am often up (and sometimes posting) at unreasonable hours, he is afflicted with a medical condition similar to the wife’s Fibromyalgia.  The only reason I got a quick response was because he couldn’t sleep.  After reading my stuff, he quickly dozed off.

About two years ago, I received the similar Readers Appreciation Award, for making too free with my opinions.  Taking inspiration from Cordelia’s Mom, I am not notifying any of my victims.  Those who show up here, find their name garishly displayed, and wish to partake of a tiny slice of the Fifteen Minutes of Fame – grab a copy, and go Do Unto Others.  Those who just took the blue pill and woke up here, are also welcome to indulge – don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It would be nice if you also linked back to her site, and told her what you’ve done.

Randomly listed, here are a few visitors who still take the time to make this site enjoyable.

BrainRants – Who has moved beyond the event horizon to use his intensive training in PowerPoint, to make the Free World safe.

John Erickson @ Windy City Wonderer – Now that I’ve bragged about you, come out of hibernation and take a bow.

BenzeKnees – With more ailments than even my wife, she still has time to tell me what she thinks.

Always a Redhead – How can you not respect a woman who loves guns and knives?

Ted @ SightsNBytes – Even busy getting (re)married, he wants me to row out to his Rock, for some cod tongues and screech.

1Jaded1 – Moved to Erickson’s Windy City, and is now living in Al Capone’s empty vault.

Jim Wheeler – If you want someone to explain what *erudite* means, Jim’s your man.

Notes to Ponder – Has to push her comments uphill, all the way from the Left Coast, but still regularly shows up.

White Lady in the Hood – Just a (Very!) honorable mention.  She’s a bit busy right now for posting or commenting, although, occasionally I feel a nice warm “Like.”

Let the niceness begin!