A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO,” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
Paul Mitchell, 29, was walking home from a friend’s Halloween party earlier this year when he found himself next to his neighbor’s pumpkin field. He had always joked in his mind about how the inside of pumpkins are soft, mushy, and warm (in Texas). So he took out his knife, cut a hole in his choice pumpkin, and began fucking it.
An officer of the City Police Dept. saw Mitchell and stopped to see what was going on. “I expected Mitchell to be urinating in the field and possibly be intoxicated,” said the Officer. Mitchell didn’t hear or see the Officer as she approached, due to his newfound hobby. She shined her flashlight on Paul and said, “Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?”
Mitchell replied almost instantly, “Is it midnight already?”
The local vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little bored, so he decides to, ‘pleasure’ himself. He’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings, it’s the window cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. “50 quid” comes the reply. “50 quid ?!?” says the vicar, startled. “Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop’s ’round for his supper and is having a wander ’round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”
“Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,” replies the vicar.
“Oh, yes. How much does he charge you, then?”
“Well,” replies the vicar, “fifty quid, actually”
“Fifty quid?!? Blimey!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming!”
The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
“The first quote is: ‘Four score and seven years ago…'”
Cathy raised her and answered “Abe Lincoln”.
“Very good Cathy, you may go home,” said the teacher. “The next quote is ‘Give me liberty or give me…”
Jane raised her hand and blurted out “Patrick Henry.”
“Very good Jane, you may also leave.”
Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him, and she said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on the board when the boy said “Stupid Bitches, if it weren’t for them none of this ever would’ve happened”
The teacher turned around and said, “Who said that?”
The boy blurted out “Bill Clinton, now can I go home!”
Did you hear about the accident at the army base?
A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 kernels