Big Talk

Stool

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it’s
time to learn how to swear. So, the eight year
old says to the six year old, “Okay, you say
`ass’ and I’ll say `hell'”.

All excited about their plan, they troop
downstairs, where their mother asks them what
they’d like for breakfast. “Aw, hell,” says the
eight-year-old, “gimme some Cheerios.” His mother
backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling
out of the room, and turns to the younger
brother. “What’ll you have?”

“I dunno,” quavers the six-year-old, “but you
can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios.”

***

Is there life before coffee?

***

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
They decided to become American Citizens, and
“Americanize” their names.

Bu called himself “Buck”
Chu called himself “Chuck”
and Fu had to go back to China

***

There is a new statute in Pennsylvania that all
lawyers must be buried 20 feet under.

You see, they’ve found out that deep down all
lawyers are really good.

***

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school
I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

***

If you put the federal government in charge of the
Sahara Desert, in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.

***

After God had created Adam he noticed that he
looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said
“Adam, I’ve decided to make you a woman. She’ll
love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and
understand you.” Adam said “Great! How much will
she cost me?” The answer came back, “An arm and
a leg.”

“Well,” said Adam “what can I get for a rib?”

***

How many mystery writers does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and
the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

***

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out about something exciting and relate
it to the class the next day. When the time came
for the little kids to give their reports, the
teacher was calling on them one at a time.

The teacher was reluctant to call upon little
Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit
crude. But eventually his turn came. Little
Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on
the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie
had in mind for his report on something exciting,
so she asked him just what that was. ‘It’s a
period’, Johnnie explained.

‘Well I can see that,’ she said, ‘but what is so
exciting about a period?’

‘Damned if I know,’ said Johnnie, ‘but this
morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy
had a heart attack and Mommy fainted.’

***

An Army sentry had been posted at a base road gate, with the firm instructions that no vehicle was to be allowed on base without a special pre-authorized sticker.

A large car rolled up with no sticker, but a military driver and an officer in the back.  “Halt.  Who goes there?” he said.  The driver replied, “It’s General Wheeler.”  “I’m sorry; you can’t enter without a sticker.”  The General says, “Nonsense son, drive on.”

The sentry stepped out to block the car and repeated, “You can’t enter the base without a sticker for your car.”  The General said, “I’m a General.  I don’t wait.  Drive on son!”

The sentry pointed his rifle at the driver’s window, leaned forward and said, “I’m new at this sir.  Do I shoot you, or the driver??”   😕

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16 thoughts on “Big Talk

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Thanks for the laughs!

    Like

  2. BrainRants says:

    Any general worth a shit will congratulate the Private on his diligence.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Outstanding. My favorite: Adam’s rib. Thanks for not making the General an Admiral. 😉

    Like

  4. I especially liked the mystery writer one – it made me chuckle. Well, actually, they all made me chuckle.

    Like

  5. Good jokes, Archon. Funny stuff. 😀

    Like

  6. Sightsnbytes says:

    Here’s one for you…In the Summer of 1958 Robby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty cool guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he asks. “That’s cool,” says Robby. Carrie’s father asks Robby what they’re planning to do. Robby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Robby, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw, she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Well, this just made Robby’s eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Robby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Which, as writers, (of a sort) shows how much difference one word can make.
      I’m glad to see you’re keeping your sense of humor. You’re not as old as me, but you’ve been keeping that piece almost as long as some of mine. 🙄

      Like

  7. benzeknees says:

    I can’t believe lawyers are good deep down!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      It seems there might be enough bitterness there to fill a post or two. We’ve only used a lawyer a couple of times. Our will is ‘acceptable’ but not exactly what we requested. I asked one to get a fair settlement for a damaged motorcycle. The guy actually netted me more than I expected, but less than I could have because he took his court-authorized fee from them….and then skimmed a bit more off my end. Asshole! 😯

      Like

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