Fully Insured

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms, where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible.  These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper on the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure that the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

***

Condom

 

 

 

 

 

Consistent with the Bi-Cultural Policy, the Canadian Government is now considering changing the National Emblem from the Maple Leaf, to the condom.  The reasons are that the condom withstands inflation, slows down production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security while one is being screwed.   🙄

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15 thoughts on “Fully Insured

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Just wow. Who knew inanimate objects could strike first? In my years of driving, I’ve never had a stop sign jump out at me. I will watch out for those as well as ambling telephone poles. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see the invisible cars though.

    Like

  2. Dan Antion says:

    I love the one about having to “swerve several times to hit him.”

    Like

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Very good, Archon. These ought to be part of every psychology 101 curriculum because they mostly indicate that many people are instinctively disingenuous. Funny stuff.

    Like

  4. Funny stuff once again, Archon. Where on earth fo you get all of it? 😀

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    • Archon's Den says:

      It started with a file I amassed working at one company where I sat beside the copy machine for 5 years. Since then, I’ve found a couple of places online where I ‘liberate’ a bit, and also still pick up the odd joke from the son and grandson.
      My Dad started me when I was about 12. I’ve pursued comedy all my life. I feel laughter is good for us all, so I spread it around on a regular basis. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sorry for the typo. The fourth word in the second sentence should be “do” not “fo.”

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    • Archon's Den says:

      I had already corrected Dan’s comment above, to make it appear that my visitors/commenters all employ nigh-perfect English.
      Perhaps even more obsessive than you, I had already edited ‘fo’ to ‘do’, when I realized that your second comment wouldn’t make sense, so I un-corrected it. Then I removed the second R in fourth, in this comment. Don’t worry. No-one noticed. 😉

      Like

  6. BrainRants says:

    I’ll avoid the insurance industry after the Army, I guess.

    Like

  7. benzeknees says:

    These accident statements remind me of the time I had to go to the police station to report a pedestrian running into my car – literally!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Like a jogger? And was it a hit and hobble? 😕

      Like

      • benzeknees says:

        It was a jogger! I was almost stopped in a line of stop & go traffic & he ran out from a cross street & ran into my car! He fell down & before I could put my car in gear & jump out of the car he was up again & running away. I jumped back in my car & tried chasing him to make sure he was OK but he ducked into an alley & was gone. I circled the block a few times but never saw him again. I kept going on my way to work but didn’t feel comfortable about how things went so I called the police & they suggested I come in to make a report. I was worried the jogger would accuse me of hit & run! Even though he was the one to hit & run! He left me with a dent in my fender he hit me so hard!

        Like

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