The Art Of Tact

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. “This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?” “No, madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”

***

Poet: Have you got my books of poems?
Lady: Oh, yes, I have. It is lovely! I wonder where it is…
Lady’s little son: It is under the leg of the table, Mummy.

***

I can’t understand modern art at all.
I do! If it hangs on the wall – it’s a painting.  If you can walk around it – it’s a sculpture.

***

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a *&^%$ on the phone, I’m lost and need directions!”

***

Slept With

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, “How many women have you slept with?”
Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake.”

***

A young man, as young men do, decided to buy his young lady some sexy underwear.  He went to a lingerie store and approached a clerk, who told him he’d need to know sizes.  “How large are her breasts?”  After he vaguely waved his hands in front of his chest, she asked, “Are they as big as grapefruit?” No, not grapefruit. Oranges? No, not oranges. Lemons?? Nooo…not lemons. Frantically – Eggs???! Yeah! Eggs – Fried!

***

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped to set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then mother noticed something was missing. “Susan,” she said, “You didn’t put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith’s place.” “I thought he wouldn’t need them,” explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse!”

***

Always search for the road to success, but don’t be surprised if it’s under construction.

***

Jogging is something I do to my memory.

***

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into, then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing?” he asks the drunk. “I’m looking for my car, and I can’t find it.” he replies. “So how does feeling the roof help you?” asks the puzzled manager. “Well,” replies the drunk earnestly, “My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!”.

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