Up And Down, Over And Out

Toilet paper

Some people mount toilet paper rolls so that the paper comes off the back of the roll!??

W!   T!   F??

(My head hurts. Stop doing that, or I’ll swat you with a rolled-up copy of Tiger Beat.)

I know that toilet paper goes out the back but, to determine the efficacy and validity of it coming out the back, I have devised a little quiz. Feel free to play along.

When I am seated on the porcelain throne, I am in front of the toilet paper roll, therefore the dispensing end of the roll should be;
1. On the front of the roll
2. Around the back of the roll
3. Ah Hell, just grab a Kleenex, or use the front page of the National Enquirer

Gravity makes toilet paper dispense downward. On a reverse-mounted roll, to make the end of the roll move down, my hand should move;
1. Down
2. Up (then quickly back down, to catch the paper before it all unrolls onto the floor)
3. Straight ahead, with middle finger rigidly extended

With the end of the roll at the back, I cannot see it; I cannot find it; I cannot get ahold of it. To accomplish this I should;
1. Break a fingernail
2. Break a knuckle/finger
3. Scratch the paint
4. Gouge the drywall
5. All of the above
6. (Optional) pull the damned roll off and hang it properly

Toilet paper rolls are hung backwards to produce;
1. Beauty and harmony }
…………………………………….} (It’s a bathroom, for shit’s sake – LITERALLY)
2. Balance and Feng Shui}
3. A system to prevent toddlers and pets from unrolling them
4. Irritation and foul language

Toilet paper is mounted end-to-wall by people who are;
1. Seriously OCD
2. Artsy and pretentious
3. Deluded soccer-moms who mistakenly believe they are smarter than children and pets
4. Followers of Benjamin Button


When I go to a home or business where someone has put the paper up inside-out, my stay in the echo chamber could be cut in half if I could just find and grab the elusive end, and be on my way. I don’t know what it is about kids and cats. We’ve had both at our house, and child-proofing a bathroom involved installing a sturdy hasp and padlock.


For me, getting hygienic tissue off the back of a roll was a retirement project, more difficult than obtaining a clear photograph of Bigfoot. Let a two-year-old toddler or a calico cat wander into the powder room, and eight seconds later there was 400 feet of TP in a pile on the floor.

I would like you neatnik ladies to do two things. Don’t make your significant other feel insignificant. First, ensure that ass-wipe is easily available to your guys whose idea of fencing is more posts and planks, and not some swishy Olympic sport.

Second, I’d like an explanation of why you feel it’s necessary to hide the end of the roll at the back, which holds a little more heft than just, “It looks neat.” See, “It’s just the shitter.” above.

10 thoughts on “Up And Down, Over And Out

  1. Jim Wheeler says:

    So, it has come to this, has it? If the meaning of life is at the forefront of topics to explore, this surely ranks near the other end. I must confess, though, that I too find the end against the wall irritating, just for all the reasons you give. However, I’m proud to say that when our present house was built, I solved a similar problem by installing the European type of toilet paper hanger, a simple and stylish rod that’s bent upward at one end. Sure beats the old style where changing the roll involved broken fingernails and shooting springs! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      We installed the bent rod system like that in the top photo. Yes, it’s simple and easy. The wife puts up the rolls with the ends in. One cat in particular regards it not merely as a game, but as a challenge. Scarcely a week passes without the white pile on the floor. She’s clearly been beaten, but she refuses to let me hang the rolls ‘properly.’ 😳


  2. Jay says:

    I am not guilty of this in the least.

    I do wonder if you correct all the errant roles you find in other people’s homes?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      People’s homes, I generally leave untouched, merely holding a grudge and creating a blog theme. Commercial establishments on the other hand…. I find that a pocket knife blade, slipped past the end of the roll, releases the hook-catch quickly and easily.
      Often they’re loaded by minimum-wage immigrant cleaners who don’t care, and don’t notice – like grocery stock boys here in Canada who slap up cartons of bilingually labelled peanut butter with every face showing the French ‘buerre de arachide.’ 😯 😦


  3. oh, oh. I knew I shouldn’t have let you use the facilities at my house. I didn’t notice afterwards – did you have to re-hang the roll?


  4. any1mark66 says:

    This is just one of the high crimes and misdemeanors imposed against the rest of humanity! I think tp’ing their abodes would be most appropriate form of justice.


  5. Sightsnbytes says:

    you think that is annoying? Try using the TP here at work….it breaks off in squares, one at a time, and is thin enough to see through! As far as backwards TP, I have a much worse annoyance….people who don’t bother to change the roll, or even worse, leave the new roll on the back of the toilet!
    When I was a kid, we didn’t have the luxury of toilet paper…or an indoor toilet for that matter…we had an outhouse fifty feet from the house, and we used Sears or Eaton’s catalogues as toilet paper….now that hurt!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s