Big Boy’s Little Toys


After giving the best part of his life (In both senses.) to the American Army – suffering the slings and arrows, as well as the mosquitoes, camel shit and anal-retentive superiors whose assholes are so tight that, when they fart, only dogs can hear them, BrainRants® has discovered that the government bureaucracy values him as much and has the same level of loyalty as found in private industry.

A short time ago he received the highly prized little pink slip reading, “We are sorry, but your continued presence at this time is surplus to our ongoing requirements.”

In the beginning, he got to drive a tank, and blow shit up, but later found that he was required to throw his body in front of rampaging power-point presentations, injuring his shoulders, and pride.

The Government, in its soul-grinding way, is requiring him to locate and return every piece of crap they’ve issued him over almost a quarter of a century.  Unless he’s a lot slyer than even I think he is, there is probably not an Abrams tank in his garage, next to the beer fridge.

I don’t feel it’s fair that he has to leave the five-sided game-show without at least a consolation prize.  If any of you kind and computer-literate people want to start a GoFundMe or CrowdSourcing campaign, I will be happy to donate….a couple of ideas.  I might also get around to returning a few beer bottles for refund.

RC Abrams

My first thought was that we could get him one of these Radio Controlled Abrams tanks.  He could sit out on his rebuilt back deck, with a Coors Lite in one hand, and the control in the other, raising Hell with the neighborhood squirrels, and any cats and/or dogs running at large.

Ride-on Abrams

Another idea would be to get him one of these darling ride-on Abrams.  They’re $10 cheaper than the RC, but I’m afraid our boy is a bit bigger than the cute kid in the photo.  We might have to purchase a matched pair, so that he could wear one on each foot, like roller-skates, to zip him to work on future commutes.


A local businessman runs a surplus store.  He’s also into militaria.  I don’t know how much profit there is in carpenters’ pencils, CD jewel cases or field mess kits, but there’s enough to buy him a plane.  When I heard that he liked to get high….


He also bought, and parked in the front corner of his lot, a deceased tank.  If we dug deep enough in our pockets and pocketbooks, we might raise enough cash to convince him to let it go to a good home.  If Rants doesn’t have a covert Abrams in his garage, this might be the ideal DIY rebuilding project.  We could FedEx it to him, a few parts at a time.

Remember, even if he eventually gets it up and running, and in operational condition, this is a Canadian tank.  It’s only dangerous to SmartCars   😆

What do you say, people??  Let’s show him that we still love and respect him, even if he has mutated into a civilian!

8 thoughts on “Big Boy’s Little Toys

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    I still think it fn sucks. His words to me…’it is what it is.” It is but it still sucks. He put his life on the line multiple times and (ashamed to admit) my government (recovers from choking) pays him with a sit and spin.

    No one asks how I would resolve this insanity called war but I’m going to tell ya. Put all the people who think war is “okay and needed”, naked as the day they were born, into a chilly room. This would make everyone equal. If they could resolve the conflict amicably and swear in blood that war would not occur under their watches, they could return to clothing and warmth. If they broke their blood oath, they would be terminated. If they couldn’t resolve, they would have to fight each other, naked and cold. The last pathetic, naked one standing would be eaten by a starving bear. This would be televised for all who have tvs to see. Hell, even I might buy one.


  2. BrainRants says:

    Archon, this is simply awesome. I doubt the HOA here would allow a tank in my yard, but I love the thought. Funny, that picture looks like a Russian tank… hmm.


    • Archon's Den says:

      I’m so glad you like it. I thought it was a great little humorous tribute….right up until after I clicked ‘Publish.’ 😯
      I did use the word ‘covert’. Throw some camo netting over it and claim it’s a shrub, or dismount the barrel and park it in the garage. 😳
      I must ask about that ‘Russian’ tank. I’ve always assumed it was Canadian. Maybe it crossed over the Bering ice, and drove down the Trans-Canada Highway. 😕


      • BrainRants says:

        I assumed it was Russian because to my knowledge, Canada has always outsourced their armor. I think they typically buy from Britain, and I know that’s not a Brit tank.


  3. […] included a shield-shaped Canada shoulder patch which I picked up the day I went to photograph the tank and Spitfire.  I doubt that he has uniforms anymore.  The army made him turn all his stuff in.  He would only […]


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