CANADA – FROM EH TO ZED

What Canada Is

Canada Infographic

It’s Canada Day. I thought I might humorously show what Canada is to those of us above the 49th.

An example of our acceptance of proximity to wildlife;
I just got a wrong-number text from someone saying, “Hey, can we use your pool? There’s a moose in ours.”

Doughnut: A small fried cake of sweetened dough, used to lure people into unnecessary meetings.

More than half of Canadians over 25 have some post-secondary schooling. In light of our love of learning, here are some smarty-pants zingers.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.  The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.

Possible Canadian movie titles;
The Never-Ending Sorry
Gone With The Wind Chill
The Full Mountie

Canadian Flag

We’re noted for our kindly manners. Just look at this testimonial. An American I know, said that his brother lost his wallet in Canada on a trip, and someone shipped it back to him along with souvenirs.

Hockey rivalries between NHL teams are serious business.

Q: How many Edmonton Oilers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None!  They just sit around in the dark and talk about how good it used to be.

A teacher asks her students what their dads do for a living. She gets the usual answers: firefighter, businessman, police officer.  When it’s Billy’s turn, he says, “My Father’s a criminal who robs banks.”  Shocked, she takes Billy out into the hall.  “My goodness,” she says, “I had no idea about your dad.”

“Well,” Billy replies, “My father actually plays for the Montreal Canadiens, but I was too embarrassed to admit that in front of everybody.”

We’re not above making fun of our neighbours south of the border.

Q: How can you tell the difference between Americans and Canadians?
A:  Canadians not only have a sense of humour, but they know how to spell it.

The Canadian dollar is so bad that, when a clerk accidently gives me an American nickel in change, I turn around and mutter, Suckerrr to myself.

Even the police get into it. A Regina Police report included the statement, “I always wonder how many of the incidents we investigate started with someone yelling YOLO.”

Canadians aren’t as friendly as they may appear. They stab trees, and feast on their blood.

I used to be in a band called Missing Cat. You probably saw our posters.
I dedicate this blog to my father, who was a roofer.  So Dad, if you’re up there….
Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical.  Rest assured, I am appealing.

Sometimes Canadians aren’t so peaceful. If everyone in my life would just read the transcripts of my impassioned shower monologues, we wouldn’t have these communications issues.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re from, everybody makes mistakes.
What idiot called it a dad-bod, instead of a father figure?
What idiot said that their foot was asleep, not that they had coma-toes?
What idiot called them coffee-shop renovations, instead of Java updates?

STATISTICS

Every single Canadian is separated by 6 degrees
Shania Twain has worn 16 acres of denim in her lifetime
Thanks to larger hockey nets, Wayne Gretzky now says that you only miss 95% of the shots you don’t take.

*Me, petting my cat*
Cat: “This is as happy as I’ll ever be!”
*A door opens*
Cat: ”Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return.”

We’re true, North, and strong, but not free of bad habits. When I die, my ghost will probably haunt a fridge.

A nurse beckoned to one of the expectant fathers at the local hospital, and announced, “You’ve got a new son.” Immediately, another man rushed over and began to complain.  “Hey, what’s the idea?  I was here before he was.”

A mailman whose right pant leg was in tatters, limped into the Post Office. “What happened to you?” asked the Postmaster. “I was on my route when a big dog rushed out and bit me on the ankle.” the mailman explained. “Did you put anything on it?” asked the Postmaster. “No,” said the victim, “he liked it plain.”

Canadians love a good case of quick thinking. A game-warden is walking along an East-coast beach, when he spots a guy with a bucket of lobsters.  The officer walks over, flashes his badge and says, “You’re in big trouble boyo.  Poachin’ lobsters is a serious offence.” The man answers, “You’ve got it all wrong.  These lobsters are my pets.  Every morning I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes, and then I whistle them back in.”

Skeptically, the warden says, “Okay then, prove it.” The man proceeds to throw the lobsters into the ocean, and both he and the warden stand waiting.  After a couple of minutes, the officer looks at the man and says, “That’s enough time, now whistle your lobsters back in.” The fellow turns to the warden and says, “Lobsters?  What lobsters?”   😆

Canada Kicks Ass

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12 thoughts on “CANADA – FROM EH TO ZED

  1. Jim Wheeler says:

    Q: What’s the difference between Americans and yogurt?
    A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it’ll grow a culture.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      America has grown a culture. It’s just not one you’d brag to England, or Austria….or even France, about. It’s been formed largely by the likes of Sam Colt and Billy Sunday. It’s a bit brash and uncouth, but it’s not effete.
      I’m sure that, even in Italy, people say things as dumb as, “If Trump wins, I’m going to leave America – and move to Alaska.” You know, up there with the Sarah Palin brain trust. Those brains must be in trust; nobody’s using them. 😉

      Like

    • BrainRants says:

      *cue Ironic Trombone*
      Good one, actually. Ever notice how all of England’s ex-colonies turned out pretty good but just off of normal? Point being, blame England.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. shimoniac says:

    Two hydrogen atoms were talking when one said, “I’ve lost an electron.”
    The other said, “Are you sure?”
    The first replied, “I’m positive.”
    Bah dum-dum. 😛

    Like

  3. BrainRants says:

    Along with Jim Wheeler’s comment above – my sarcastic addendum excepted as well – we’re not a group who can necessarily brag much beyond some dudes on the Moon and the correct form of bacon.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Don’t let the ‘We Own The Definition’ crowd fool you. Every society has its culture. Posh and elegant are nice, but often not the best idea. Both Arabia and China once had science and genteel society. Now, one is oppressed with Communism, and the other with religious radicals.
      Rome was once the center of the universe. Now Italians can’t get it together to elect a dog-catcher. Greece has ruins that remind of bygone glories – and a debt load that cripples their economy. England had an Empire. Now it has Brexit. France was known for being stylish and graceful. Now it’s known for eating snails and giving up faster than a drunken prom queen.
      America is still a little rough around the edges, but her mascot is Larry the Cable Guy, with his motto – ‘Git ‘er Done!’ 😆

      Image result for image Larry the Cable Guy

      Liked by 1 person

      • BrainRants says:

        Which makes me worry we’re headed toward the Communistic, Socialistic, oppressed, indebted, non-dog-catching, X-xited, cheese eating surrender monkey existence I spent 23 years fending off. Fuck!

        Like

      • Archon's Den says:

        Don’t get too excited. I doubt it’ll happen in your lifetime. That’s why voters elected Bush the idiot younger, and follow Trump. Personally, I’m hoping that the more masculine Clinton gets elected. I’ll bet the educated Alabama exile doesn’t have a garage with an elevator for her cars, like Mitt Romney. 😛

        Like

  4. Sightsnbytes says:

    what you mean we talks funny?

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Sum of yez duz, an’ sum a yez duzn’t.
      50 years ago, when I was attending Adult Education, and meeting my first real, live Newfies, most were from outports, and had the expected, thick accent. We were told that a new Accounting teacher was from Newfoundland, and expected communications problems. He was from St Johns, and spoke clearer than KayJai.
      I think he was also a little light in the loafers. Is there a club in SJ like that Pulse Club in Orlando? 😳 😕

      Like

      • Sightsnbytes says:

        In St John’s, they probably have a club like that. Definitely not on my side of the island though. I do agree that some Newfoundlanders still have a thick accent. Although the island is fairly small, each community has its own accent. I can hardly understand some of the dialect.

        Like

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