Criminal Assholed

Grammar Nazi

Alas, poor English language, so assaulted and insulted. You are misspoken, misheard, mispronounced, misunderstood, misspelled, miswritten, misprinted, misrepresented, misused, abused, confused.

The following are only a few of the ways that the more (or less) erudite have mangled the mother tongue recently, some of them professionally. We start with a couple of bloggers who felt the need to include their own definitions.

may the peace of the garden bewith you – Bewith, a word meaning – enchant, enlighten curiously

I think she was trying to define bewitch. Be with is two words, which mean ‘to enter your heart, soul or mind, and remain there.”  The next blogger defined….

gomble – a large risk with no guarantee of success  I’ll gamble that his Spellchecker doesn’t work.  Then on to….

My brain shut down oredi this week – and I’m already pissed that you mumble when you listen.

a still toddering child – toddling? tottering? They’re just making these up as they go.

we are directed, neigh commanded – A horse’s mouth neighs.  A horse’s ass doesn’t know that it’s nay.

My friend became a little two comfortable – because it takes more than one to make that mistake.

an interesting little trieste – in a treatise by a pretentious writer

Jack DeBrul, writing as Clive Cussler – was an instant from firing, before adjusting his site picture.  Stop web-surfing Jack, and see the sights.  He had an old fishing boat – held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  When bailing boats, use a bucket.  Only use wire when baling hay . Later in the story, he had a character ride a motorcycle and – swiftly turn the wheel to avoid a collision.  A steering wheel – on a motorcycle??  Maybe he needs to do that computer research!

choose to lye with the same sex – Ow!  That would smart – If only the writer was.

I remember when Cypress was ‘The War of the Week’ – I remember when Cypress was a large tree, and Cyprus was where Canadian peacekeeping troops went.

The Toronto Sun says ‘Toronto Mayor is not board at council meetings.’ – He looks more like a brick, but I’m bored.

They alluded authorities for weeks – and the correct word eluded the writer.


It never seizes to amaze me – that people don’t know that it’s “ceases to amaze me.”

A Toronto bus driver was punched in the face – over a fair dispute.  I wonder how hard he’d have been punched if it were a serious dispute – over a fare?

I corrected a blogger who published ‘low and behold.’  Damn you Autocorrect, which doesn’t know about ‘lo and behold.’

swallowed chick eyed as slight-of-hand trick – You made a slight mistake!  The phrase is, sleight-of-hand.

Serena ‘pushes the envelope’ with bare midriff, naval ring, – Hello sailor, new in town? – and then wore it in her navel.

Russian fishermen rescued from broken ice float – I’ll float the idea that it was a floe (not a flow).

the likely hood of a revolution – There’s a likelihood SpellCheck didn’t catch this.

Christmas is passed – No, no, laws are passed.  Christmas is past.

an undo emphasis on building walls – Undo your dictionary, and look up undue.

a homeless guy was stabbed in the juggler – by who, a Clown?

murder in disabaled daughter’s death – Another newspaper headline typo that proves that the last proof-reader, like the last dinosaur, is long extinct.

I think I’m ovary acting about this – Then you can’t be Chris/Caitlyn Jenner.

We find are selves back at square one – We should find ourselves back at that dictionary.

A Cambodian student has invented a robot to diffuse landmines.  With 10 million of them in his country, I think they’re diffused enough.  It stabilises the detonator and cuts it out….oh, it defuses landmines.

Crossword clue, cul-de-sac = alley.  No, no!  Alley narrow, open at both ends.  Cul-de-sac wide, closed at one end.  Crossword editor lazy – stupid – pissing me off!

Not an error, but in a recent post I wrote Superbowl as one word, instead of Super Bowl. SpellCheck offered me ‘Superb owl’ as an alternative.  I wish I owned a superb owl.  It could have watched me laugh till I almost peed myself in the dark.


15 thoughts on “Criminal Assholed

  1. Dan Antion says:

    Spell checkers can drag us off the right road…or is that rode?


    • Archon's Den says:

      I just used Google Maps to rode ride through your home town. I didn’t see the brick factory, but I saw why you rode through Pittsburgh, Wheeling and Front Royal as a kid. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dan Antion says:

        Yeah, I think the brick factory was gone before I was out and about. My older brother doesn’t remember it either. Front Royal is associated with some nice memories – always on our way to a relative’s farm for vacation.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Just read “illusions of grander”.


  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Language evolves chaotically. I could have sworn that when I was young, houses had back yards. Now I find that they have backyards. How did that happen? Perhaps the change was backdated when I wasn’t looking, but never mind. I must back off, or perhaps back-pedal, because I find myself with no backing. My effort backfired. I shall now backpack to the back room to research background and get back to you later. (If I’m unsuccessful, I may have to backpedal, or possibly put some backspin on it.) Meanwhile, no back seat driving, hear? And please, no back talk, backfilling or backbiting! It gives me a pain in the backside.

    Similarly, back seats in cars now seem to be backing up into backseats. If it weren’t for blogging, I’d soon be obsolescent and incommunicado!


    • Archon's Den says:

      I understand language evolution, and the change of the likes of ‘back yard’ to ‘backyard.’ I just have little hope for a nation where a University graduate writes oredi instead of ‘already.’


  4. BrainRants says:

    So fucking happy that your mai betta reeder.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      I can’t replace a faucet, or do anything that makes money, but those misusages just leap right off the page at me – almost painful.
      Crossword – artificial grass = turf….
      The sound you hear is me beating my head against the desk. 😳


  5. Daniel Digby says:

    Then again, all those people may have meant exactly what they said — superb owl accepted. Just like I didn’t really mean excepted.


  6. shimoniac says:

    I’ve grown numb from reading the plethora of misused, misspelled, and misplaced words I encounter on a daily basis. I’ve probably seen some of these or other doozies, but I no longer notice. The one thing that still gets a reaction from me is the apostrophe `s’ for pluralization.


    • Archon's Den says:

      I know the feeling. These are but a few of the more interesting, entertaining ones I see each day.
      That plural thing is known as a ‘greengrocer’s apostrophe’, first common among the less educated rural folk. Now University graduates inflict it on the rest of the world – and 75% of people never notice it. 😯


  7. JeanneTunty says:

    Hello Fuck me like a slut and cum on my face my nickname (Lidochka35)

    Copy the link and go to me…



  8. […] September 2, 2017 at 4:27 am  (Edit) […]


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