Comin’ ‘Round The Mountains

Condom

A 50 year old man walks into a store and asks the
pretty girl behind the counter where the condoms
are. “What size are you?” she asks.

The man replies “I don’t know”. So, she unzips
his pants and whips out his dick and says
“Ooooh, extra large condoms, Aisle 3”

A 30 year old walks in and asks the same thing.
She unzips his pants whips it out and says “Large
condoms – Aisle 3”

A 14 year old is standing outside and sees all
this “I wonder if I go in there and ask if she’ll
do the same for me?”

So, he goes in and asks…She unzips his pants,
whips it out and shouts “Clean-up to the Counter
please!”

***

We have enough youth,
how about a fountain of smart?

***

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Give it here!’ He snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells “We got him!”

***

Doc: Your lab tests show that you’re doing fairly well for a 65-year-old.
Male Patient: “Fairly well”… Do you think I’ll live to be 80?

Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?
     No. I’m not doing drugs either.

Do you eat rib eye steaks or barbecued ribs?
     No. I think all red meat is very unhealthy.

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like golfing, sailing, hiking or bicycling?
No, I don’t.

Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I don’t do any of those things.

Then why the hell do you want to live to be 80?

***

Why Jim Wheeler doesn’t like this joke

A man worked as a Production Engineer, always trying to find ways to do things faster, easier, cheaper. One day a co-worker asked him if he was like this in his entire life. “Oh yes.” He replied. “Just last week I mentioned to the wife that her system of making my breakfast was inefficient, and made several suggestions as to how she might improve things.” “Did it help?” “Oh yes, she used to take a half an hour to make me fried eggs, bacon, toast and coffee. Now, I do it myself in less than 18 minutes.”

😯

 

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14 thoughts on “Comin’ ‘Round The Mountains

  1. Jim Wheeler says:

    Engineering jokes are about as common as hen’s teeth, but there are some. Chickens are descended from dinosaurs. 🙂

    A physicist and an engineer were working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them appeared a very beautiful female life form.

    She said to the men, “I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish. However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance.”

    The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. “What’s the matter with you? This is the opportunity of a lifetime.”

    The physicist replied, “Don’t you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there. It’s a hopeless situation.”

    The physicist then asked the engineer, “Why are you smiling?”

    The engineer grinned and said, “That’s true, but I’ll be close enough to get the job done.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. aFrankAngle says:

    Good one on Jim Wheeler! Great opening image … and love the accompanying joke.

    A skunk and a lawyer died when crossing the street as each were struck by vehicles. What’s the difference in their crime scenes?

    Like

  3. Dale says:

    Here’s one for ya:

    An engineer was sent to a farm to do his stage (apprenticeship). The farmer was not pleased to have to deal with this but shrugged and decided to put him to work.

    “You see that pile of manure over there? I need you to put it over here.” He figured that would keep him occupied for a few days for sure.

    An hour later, the engineer comes back..”OK. Done. What’s next, boss?” The farmer, amazed, checks out the work and is flabbergasted to see it is done.

    “OK then. For now, just go into the chicken coop and separate the eggs. Large ones in this container, and small ones in the other. Let me know when you are done.

    Farmer goes back to work, goes in for supper, gets up bright and early and remembers he totally forgot about the engineer.

    He goes into the chicken coop and there stands the engineer with an egg in each hand.

    “What the hell are you doing?” he shouts. I give you a job that should take days and you do it in a hour; I give you a job that should take an hour and you’re still here a day later!!

    The engineer looks at him and says: “We engineers can shovel shit like no one else… but make a decision….?”

    😀

    Liked by 2 people

  4. tony jones says:

    Very good

    Sent from my iPad

    Liked by 1 person

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