On-Line One-Liners

Ditzy Blonde

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and she forgot
where she put her pencil.

***

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently, more than two three, because my basement is still dark.

***

If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly.

***

Couch potato? Sounds delicious; does anyone have a recipe? I’d look for one, but I’m reclining in front of the TV.

***

Cutting a gateau into slices looks difficult; turns out it’s a piece of cake.

***

Don’t worry about parallel lines and vanishing points. It’s all a matter of perspective.

***

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: ‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’

***

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

***

Atoms are made up of small subatomic particles called protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. My atoms have extra morons.

***

Never trust what an atom tells you. They make up everything.

***

You know you’re a bad driver when your GPS says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”

***

I almost borrowed a book from the library called HOW to HUG; until I noticed it was volume twelve of an encyclopedia…

***

I also foolishly invested in a failing graffiti business; I didn’t see the writing on the wall.

***

I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

***

Eco-friendly computers can be constructed from the outer layers of tree trunks, but they turn out to be all bark and no byte.

***

Did you hear about the scientist who froze himself down to absolute zero? He’s OK now.

***

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

***

I found a great site that sells sausages online; but the link’s broken.

***

I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning. Now I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall.

***

How do we know that the Earth isn’t flat? If it were, cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

***

I just joined the Flat Earth Society. We have members all around the globe.

 

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6 thoughts on “On-Line One-Liners

  1. Jim Wheeler says:

    A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?” The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute…” The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Maybe you should move. Your blondes are a lot dumber than ours. 😉 😆

      Like

    • shimoniac says:

      I heard a story from an airline ticket seller who had a customer that wanted to know when there was a flight from JFK to the Chicago, O’Hare airport. The ticket agent said that there was a flight that departed JFK at 9:00 a.m. and arrived O’Hare at 9:01 a.m. When she asked him if he wished to purchase a ticket, he declined, but stated his intent of coming to the airport to watch it take off.
      Spoiler alert: Chicago is one time zone behind New York.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. shimoniac says:

    That’s what I needed to make my day. 😉

    Like

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