Some days I wake up grumpy…
….other days, I just let her sleep
What do you call a fake noodle?….
….an impasta
The stars are now in perfect alignment….
….for me to break my addiction to magical thinking
What kind of mistakes are common at a blood bank?….
….typos
What does a vegan zombie say?….
….grainnns
A man runs in front of a car, he gets tired….
….he runs behind a car and gets exhausted
My wife says I have two major faults….
….I don’t listen, and something else
I have the best Egyptian Dad joke….
….actually, it’s more a mummy joke
My friend doesn’t believe in Santa Claus….
….does that make him an eggnog-stic?
My therapist told me that a good way to release my anger was to write letters to all the people I hate, and burn them….
….I did that, and I feel great – but do I keep the letters?
What’s the capital of Texas?….
….the T
What’s more impressive than a talking dog?….
….a spelling bee
Baldness? I’m not losing more hair….
….I’m gaining more head
There’s a lot of unrest….
….in the insomniac community
A family goes to a hotel. The father goes to the front desk and says, “I hope the porno is disabled.”….
….The clerk says, “It’s just normal porn, you sick fuck.”
What do Michelangelo and Curt Kobain have in common?….
….The both used their brains to paint the ceiling
I didn’t know what type of hammer to get my Dad….
….but I think I nailed it
Somebody stole my bagful of new AA batteries….
….there was a hefty charge when the culprit was located
How many Amish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?….
….I don’t know
What do you call a dog with no legs?….
….Doesn’t matter what you call him. He ain’t gonna come.
What do you call a cow with no legs?….
….ground beef
Hyuck! Hyuck! Hyuck!
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And so, the work week is off to a good start. 😆
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Absolutely!
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Or: I’m not losing my hair… I’m switching to solar power.
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Has Elon Musk contacted you yet?? 😉
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Your humor is like a bowling ball; it’s right up my alley.
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Your appreciation just bowls me over. 😆
Try today’s selection of jokes 🙂
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