The following are some of the rules of the Universe that we have to abide by. Feel free to add any that you’ve learned through sad experience.
MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST!
No good deed goes unpunished
leakproof seals – will
self-starters – will not
interchangeable parts – won’t
there is always one more bug
Nature is a mother
don’t mess with Mrs. Murphy
90% of everything is crap
The moment you light up a cigarette, your bus will arrive
If you’re feeling good, don’t worry, you’ll get over it
all warrantees expire on payment of invoice
where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit
never eat prunes when you are famished
friends come and go, but enemies accumulate
if you try to please everybody, nobody will like it
a short cut is the longest distance between two points
ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG, WILL GO WRONG!
You will always find something in the last place you look.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the butter/jam side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you’ve bought it, it will be on sale somewhere, cheaper.
No-one’s life, liberty or property is safe while the Legislature is in session.
The other line always moves faster.
In order to get a loan, first you must prove that you don’t need it.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
If you fool around with a thing very long, you will screw it up.
A $2000 HDTV will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first.
If it jams – force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Force to fit – file to hide – paint to cover
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
The repairman will never have seen a model like yours before.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairmen it will work perfectly.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think, and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
Everybody should believe in something – I believe I’ll have another beer.
Build a system that even a fool can use – and only a fool will use it.
Everybody has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong – but that’s the way to bet.
There’s never enough time to do it properly, but there’s always time to do it over.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
Everything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
It is morally wrong to let suckers keep their money.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Murphy’s Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.
Everything East of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. (Freudian psychology)
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously have no idea what the Hell is going on.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no-one will be at fault.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
I apologise for the above. I’m not always like this. Lots of days I’m nowhere near this optimistic. See you soon – if all goes well. 😯