To my mind there’s nothing wrong with being a perfectionist….
….but they’d probably find something
I’m not fat….
….but my 100 meter dash record is about 54 meters
People told me not to smear glue on my hands before going to the firing range….
….but I’m sticking to my guns.
My girlfriend asked me to name all my sexual partners in order….
….I probably should have stopped when I got to her name
Dad, how do stars die?….
….Usually an overdose
Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France?….
….they were cooked in Greece
What’s black and rhymes with snoop?…
….Dr. Dre
My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings….
….1 – a murderer
….2 – police telling me my wife and kids were killed in a crash
….3 – delivery of that book on positive thinking I ordered
Why was the archaeologist so depressed?….
….because his life was in ruins
I just saw an Apple store being robbed….
….so the policed called me as an I-witness
These days, the ‘grade’ in ‘Catholic grade school’….
….is a lot like the ‘grade’ in ‘weapons grade uranium.’
I was telling some sheep jokes the other day…
….but none of them laughed, and one ran away saying ‘baa’.
I just burned 2000 calories….
….that’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap
How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?….
….they’ll get over it
If I died right now….
….my life would be complete
I wonder what Eli Whitney’s Cotton Gin tasted like….
It cost me $500 to fly economy class, and what a waste of money….
….I still know nothing about economics
I’m against gay marriage….
….for the same reason I’m against straight marriage.
What gets bigger the more you take from it?….
….the lower class
Archon's Den 