March In A Straight One-Line

Comedy

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?….
….One, they’re efficient, but not funny

You’re not completely useless….
….You can always serve as a bad example

I broke my finger last week….
….On the other hand, I’m okay

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar, and holds up two fingers….
….and says, “Five beers please”

Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay….
….You have my Word

I tried to catch fog yesterday….
….Mist

Working in a mirror factory…
….is something I can see myself doing

I registered with an online dating service….
….They matched me up with a recliner and a TV

No-one asks me for my recipes….
….just the antidotes

Prophecy class cancelled….
….due to unforeseen circumstances

Well, to be Frank….
….I’d have to change my name

Our mountains aren’t just funny….
….they’re hill areas

These tee-shirts were tested on animals….
….they didn’t fit

None of my relatives suffer from mental illness….
….they all seem to enjoy it

Stupidity knows no boundaries….
….but it knows a lot of people

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” will do….
….None of this “How did you get in my house?” business.

Just say NO to drugs….
….well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said YES

What would The Jetsons be called if they were black?….
….The Jetsons, you racist bastard

Just because it’s a bad idea….
….doesn’t mean it won’t be a good time

If life gives you melons….
….you may be dyslexic

I hate Russian dolls….
….They’re so full of themselves (That’s an inside joke.)

***

Happy New Year’s to one and all.  It’s a happy coincidence that we can start the new year off with a laugh or two.  Here’s hoping that we’re still smiling at the end of it.  😀  😆  See you there.

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17 thoughts on “March In A Straight One-Line

  1. Dale says:

    Happy New Year to you, funny guy!

    Like

  2. I laughed… and groaned… at the same time.
    Happy New Year!!

    Like

  3. Hilarious one liners which my hubby loves. I will share with him for sure. Happy New Year!

    Like

  4. rulesoflogic says:

    Happy New Year! Thanks for the levity; we can all use some more.

    Like

  5. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Liv’s favorite joke:

    “Did you hear the one about Orion’s Belt? No? That’s alright. It is a WAIST of time. Three stars.”

    I am sharing this post with her. She’ll love it!

    Happy New Year!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Archon's Den says:

      I knew that a belt made of wristwatches was a waist of time – but I got no stars for that. Her version is more a thinking man’s joke, for the likes of Rants and guys named Neil DeGrasse Tyson. 😀

      Like

  6. Jim Wheeler says:

    2018 was a train wreck of a year. Surely there’s nowhere to go but up? Ain’t that right, Shirley?

    Like

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Happy New Year, Archon. Thank you for making me laugh and think.

    Like

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