I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. I went to work in a meat processing factory, but I couldn’t cut it. So then I got a job at a gym…but they said I wasn’t working out!
If it’s any good….they’ll stop making it.
Talk is cheap….until you hire a lawyer
How many optimists does it take to screw in a
None, they’re convinced that the power will
come back on soon.
How many Jehovah’s Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One screws it in, and the other two knock on your door to ask you if you’ve seen the light.
A Jehovah’s Witness came to my door the other day and said, “Can I ask you about God?”
I said, “Sure, what do you want to know?”
In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall
in the same year?
They fall in the same year every year, New
Year’s Day just arrives very early in the year
and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
Murphy’s First Law of Computing
Whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
Murphy’s Second Law of Computing:
When you get to the point where you really
understand your software, it’s probably obsolete.
Music was much better when ugly people were allowed to make it.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow! I’ve never served a weasel before. What will you have?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
I picked up a hitch-hiker recently. He said, “Thanks, but how do you know I’m not a serial killer though?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time are astronomical.”
These days your memory might be better if you use marijuana, but don’t play football.
I saw a bumper sticker today. It said, “If you can read this, I’ll slam on my brakes and sue you.”