A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him…
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies: “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly: “No, I’m your son’s teacher.
A plane was taxiing down the tarmac, preparing for takeoff when it abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
When you’re so sarcastic,
people aren’t sure whether
you’re joking or whether
you’re just crazy
Remember, if you can’t say something nice – make it funny
If you have an opinion about my life, raise your hand.
Now put it over your mouth!
Life is short. Smile….
while you still have teeth.
My luck is like the bald guy who wins a comb
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.
I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning means that it was awesome.
Sometimes someone will come into your life from nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes your life forever. We call these people Cops.
Smoking marijuana has imbued me with cat-like abilities.
For example, just one brightly colored piece of paper can now entertain me for hours.
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no, but I could do a pretty good version of Bohemian Rhapsody
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.
It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Bank teller: Your account is overdrawn.
Me: So are your eyebrows, yet here we are.
8:00 AM – Too tired to think
Noon – Too tired to think
5:00 PM – Too tired to think
Midnight – How do dragons blow out candles??
I’m starting meetings at my house for people with OCD.
I don’t have it. I’m just hoping they take a look and start cleaning.
I don’t believe in reincarnation.
I didn’t believe in it the last time either.
When I was growing up, my parents treated me like God.
They didn’t believe in me.
And if something terrible happened, I was the first one they asked why I did it.