Straight Arrow

Stright Arrow

My wife, bless her heart, is a linear thinker. I mean a, A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. linear thinker.

If we’re watching Poirot, or Miss Marple, or reruns of Columbo or Murder She Wrote, while my active and vivid imagination is distracted by red herrings, plot twists, or character development, her Laser mind points directly at the culprit.

It wasn’t the butler. It was the illegitimate son of the maid, from an affair with the Master. And she’s right 90% of the time. However…. She has trouble getting off the paved road. She reads romance novels. Several times I have heard her complain about the dénouement of a book. The story will come to a stop at a particular juncture, and it’s up to the reader to decide whether the hero will come back and marry the girl, or if he will ride off into the sunset. She gets quite upset. Enquiring minds (like hers) need to know!

It’s not that she has no sense of humor. It’s just that she is not friends with puns or word-play. My father used to describe a damp day by saying, “It tried to rain, but it missed (mist).” She occasionally repeats (?) this as, “It tried to rain, but it misted.” Literal! Literal! Literal!

My darling old Mother, who wouldn’t say ‘Shit’ if she had a mouthful, would comment about someone farting, by saying, “(That’s)Better out, than one of your eyes.” Like bread upon the waters, this one comes back as, “It’s better out that way, than out one of your eyes.” 😕 🙄

She has discovered a YouTube file that plays over 2 hours of mostly pop songs, but one of them is the old Meat Loaf song, ‘I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That). “What is it that he won’t do?? He keeps saying that he won’t do That, but he never says what That is. If she’d just shut up and stop obsessing, she’d find out. The song, like a sentence in German with the verb at the end, is constructed. After 4 minutes of him yowling that he won’t do that, his woman cuts in, and starts singing about him being a star, and rich and famous, and how he will use it ‘to go screwing around.’ The song ends with him assuring her, “But I won’t do that.”

She likes the singer, Ed Sheeran, and watches many of his music videos. One of them has her baffled. In the video for a song called Shape of You, Sheeran is in training as a boxer – jab, jab, punch, punch. He is assisted by a curvaceous young female, who even teaches him some dance steps to aid his footwork.

She returns to her locker, finds and reads a note, stuffs some things in her bag, and leaves. Perhaps the wife hoped for some romantic entanglement. From the first time she watched it, every time, she complains, “It doesn’t make sense. Why does she leave?” Doesn’t make sense??! These are music videos – one of them, Radioactive, shows Mexican cockfighting…. with Muppets. They’re not supposed to make sense.

It might be that, in today’s #MeToo society, the song keeps insisting that he’s in love with her body – the Shape of You. No mention of her smile, her intellect, her wit and humor, her kind and supportive nature – just her body.

Always trying to be helpful, I suggested that maybe she had to go home to make supper for her husband…. or perhaps she had to go home to make supper for her wife. Don’t ask – don’t tell. Still, every time, the question was repeated. “It doesn’t make sense. Why does she leave?”

As the video progresses, Sheeran leaves the training room, and enters a fight venue – to be faced with a Sumo wrestler. 😕 He engages the Sumo giant, wearing one of those ridiculous, inflatable Sumo costumes, and gets splatted to the floor. Apparently this all makes sense to the wife, and she unquestioningly accepts it.

To finally put us all out of our misery, the son told her that the note was from Sheeran’s fight manager, telling the eye-candy that she was a distraction to his training, and to keep away…. only, she shows up at the end, and knocks the Sumo guy down with a Kung Fu drop-kick. Out of the wife’s earshot, the son admitted that his explanation was highly unlikely, but it pacified her, and we all lived happily (and quietly) ever after.

Linear thinkers are useful, and quite productive, although they can be a little dismaying. Are you a linear thinker? My own thought processes can be like a tornado aftermath.


6 thoughts on “Straight Arrow

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Hmmm… I suppose I’m an even combination. I tend to be rather pragmatic, but love a good word play or creative scenario. But Ed Sheehan sumo wrestling? That’s a bridge too far!


    • Archon's Den says:

      I like most of Sheeran’s stuff. I respect him as a performer, much more than home-grown Justin Bieber. He studied, and worked hard at his craft. He plays 5 or 6 different instruments. Bieber got lucky. He can string 3 or 4 chords together, and he’s pretty (Well…. now he’s beginning to look hard). 😳

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dale says:

    Linear thinkers drive me nuts. Use your imagination!
    But that’s because I think there is a battle going on in my own noggin…


    • Archon's Den says:

      The only imagination she seems to have is that someone might judge her if the lawn is not mowed soon enough – or complain, because the dogs bark in their own yard.
      When I first started blogging, she was fascinated that I could create post after post, and read them all. It soon became ‘same old, same old’, and she no longer reads any of my writing. That’s why I can publish a post, even a little critical, like this. If she knew, she’d be mortified. 😛 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dale says:

        Lawzy… I was thinking… If she reads this…
        But all is good. Till the day she decides to take a peek…🙂🙃😉


      • Archon's Den says:

        If she sees this, she’ll take more than a peek. Try apoplexy. 👿
        How do you get the upside-down emojis?? Is it something that I could do with my PC and a Word/WordPress program. A fellow-worker bought a ‘Shit Happens’ bumper sticker.… and intentionally applied it upside-down.
        Some of these things are blindingly obvious – as soon as someone shows you how. When I first started, I wanted to separate things like ‘Shit Happens’, but didn’t want to use complete quotation marks. I asked a commenter one day how he achieved it…. and he patiently explained about using the apostrophe. Doh!! 🙄

        Liked by 1 person

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