Monday Amusements

Laughing Face

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker, “Would the gentleman on the women’s’ tee back up to the men’s tee  please!”  I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s’ tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”   I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the Man yelled,   “Would the man on the women’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back …..    “Would the jerk with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot?”

=====*=====

How to give a pill to a cat and a dog

CAT:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

***

You’ve heard about the hopeless gambler who was on the wrong side of 10 consecutive football bets. He decided to switch to wagering on basketball. Again, he lost 10 in a row. His luck got no better gambling on baseball. He went 0 for 10.

His friend tried to help him out of his losing streak.

“Have you thought about betting on hockey instead?” the friend suggested.

“Hockey?” the gambler hollered in disgust. “Are you nuts? I don’t know anything about hockey.”

 

9 thoughts on “Monday Amusements

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Love the cat pilling one! Sadly I’ve experienced similar scenarios…

    Like

  2. Jim Wheeler says:

    Fortunately for me, our Yorkie Winston is not the brightest bulb in the carton. He detests his monthly dose of flea/tick oil on the back of his neck but I’ve managed to convince him that his heart-worm medicine is a reward for tolerating it!

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Tomorrow, our two Scotties get their tick-oil application. No heart-worm meds for them, this late in the cold weather, but I’ll have to remember your trick next summer. We have to do something to prove we’re smarter than our dogs – right??! 😉

      Like

  3. Dale says:

    I have tears rolling down my cheeks on the giving a cat a pill…
    My dog is looking at me strangely wondering why I am laughing all by myself here.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I haven’t laughed that hard since I published a similar one about judging a Texas chili cookoff. If you’re dried up, and okay with the dog, you might like to have a look here. https://archonsden.wordpress.com/2012/08/23/chili-cook-off/
      Someone recently told me that Montreal is the place, where you can go on a 3 month trip, and when you come back, all the traffic cones are still in the exact same spots. Any comment??! 😳

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dale says:

        It truly was hilarious. Funnier than the chili one 😉
        Yep. Montreal is a shit-show. And now they are gonna work on the tunnel so only one lane will be open in the supposed direction of traffic (I have noted there is NO longer any direction for traffic. It’s all crap) You could not pay me enough to work in Montreal right now. I am staying on the South Short, thank you very much. I’m not like most of my friends who will not be coerced into going into to town for anything if they don’t have to. I just time myself and plan on indoor parking 😉

        Like

      • Rivergirl says:

        Omg! I’m dying…soooo funny.
        Think I have to copy that for a friend.

        Liked by 1 person

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