I enjoy buying complete sets of toddler clothes at garage sales. I don’t do anything with them; I just put them in plastic vacuum seal bags and throw them in the closet, because I enjoy the thought of the time and money the FBI will waste when they are found after I die.
Two thieves break into a house. They go into the master bedroom, and tie up a naked woman that they find there. A startled naked man comes out of the bathroom and sees what has happened. He says, “Please! Please! Take whatever you want and go. I will even give you the combination to the safe. Just untie her and let her go.”
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt his pleas were. One of them says, “You must love your wife a lot in order to beg like that.”
The man replies, “I do – and she’ll be home any minute!”
An elderly couple go to their doctor, and complain about failing memories. He explains that it is normal for people their age, and suggests that they write things down, to help remember.
A while later, they are sitting in their living room, when she says, “I’d really like a bowl of ice cream.” He says, “I’ll get it for you.” and heads for the kitchen. She says, “Now write that down.” He replies, “I’m only going to the kitchen. I’ll remember.”
He is gone for some time, and when he returns, he hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast.”
An Irish man, and his ever-nagging wife, were on a holiday to Jerusalem, when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker told him that it would cost 50€ to bury her there, or 5000€ to ship her home.
The husband tells him to ship her home.
The undertaker said, “But sir, why don’t you have her buried in the Holy Land and save the money?”
The husband says, “Listen here pal, a long time ago, a fellow named Jesus was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead. She’s fuckin’ going home!”
A Scottish workman arrived home a bit late, and out of breath. His loving wife demanded to know why. “I saved six-pence by running home behind the bus.”
“Ach, ya fool! Ye coulda run home behind a taxi, and saved a pound.”
A doctor accidentally prescribed a laxative, instead of a heavy-duty cough syrup.
Three days later, the patient came back for a check-up.
The doctor asked, “Are you still coughing?”
The patient replied, “No! I’m afraid to.”
I didn’t sleep well last night, so this morning I put Monster energy drink in my coffee.
I was halfway to work before I realized that I’d forgot my car.
Some sad, sad people on our street are still letting off fireworks, and it’s the end of October.
Our poor dog gets so frightened that he hides under the Christmas tree.