The guy who invented Velcro died….
….R.I.P.
Iron Man is actually….
….Fe Male
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was very good at it….
….If no-one was home, I’d just leave the brochure on the kitchen table
The early bird may get the worm….
….but the second mouse gets the cheese
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Hourly, or flat fee?
What did the ocean say to the beach?….
….Nothing, it just waved
When the smog lifts in California….
….UCLA
My wife was angry at me, and said I have no sense of direction….
….so I picked up my stuff and right
I am terrified of elevators….
….and I’m taking steps to avoid them
Every time I try to eat healthy….
….a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers
Double negatives….
….are a no-no in English
The problem with political jokes is….
….sometimes they get elected
I danced like nobody was watching….
….My court date is pending
What happens if….
….you get scared half to death – twice?
Ants are healthy because….
….they have little antibodies
I checked into the hokey-pokey clinic….
….and I turned myself around
All those who believe in psychokinesis….
….raise my hand
Between two evils….
….I always pick the one I’ve never tried
I went to the Air and Space Museum….
….but there was nothing there
A clear conscience is….
….the sign of a fuzzy memory
If you think that education is expensive….
….try ignorance
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
My reality check bounced.
I want to grow my own food….
….but I can’t find any bacon seeds
They’re not going to make yardsticks any longer
I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high….
….She looked surprised
