One-Liners Are A Rip-off

Velcro

The guy who invented Velcro died….
….R.I.P.

Iron Man is actually….
….Fe Male

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was very good at it….
….If no-one was home, I’d just leave the brochure on the kitchen table

The early bird may get the worm….
….but the second mouse gets the cheese

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Hourly, or flat fee?

What did the ocean say to the beach?….
….Nothing, it just waved

When the smog lifts in California….
….UCLA

My wife was angry at me, and said I have no sense of direction….
….so I picked up my stuff and right

I am terrified of elevators….
….and I’m taking steps to avoid them

Every time I try to eat healthy….
….a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers

Double negatives….
….are a no-no in English

The problem with political jokes is….
….sometimes they get elected

I danced like nobody was watching….
….My court date is pending

What happens if….
….you get scared half to death – twice?

Ants are healthy because….
….they have little antibodies

I checked into the hokey-pokey clinic….
….and I turned myself around

All those who believe in psychokinesis….
….raise my hand

Between two evils….
….I always pick the one I’ve never tried

I went to the Air and Space Museum….
….but there was nothing there

A clear conscience is….
….the sign of a fuzzy memory

If you think that education is expensive….
….try ignorance

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

My reality check bounced.

I want to grow my own food….
….but I can’t find any bacon seeds

They’re not going to make yardsticks any longer

I told my wife she was drawing in her eyebrows too high….
….She looked surprised

7 thoughts on “One-Liners Are A Rip-off

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Ha!
    Love these….
    If only I could remember them for future use.
    😊

    Like

  2. I live near NASA here in Virginia, and I laughed out loud at the Air and Space Museum joke. Mark Twain and Will Rogers: “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.”

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      I’m happy to start your – and all my readers’ – week off with a smile. That’s why I post these on Mondays.
      Non sequitur: Are you currently married? 😕 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • No. I was married for about three years near the end of my wild college years. I am 57 now and I never remarried. At this point, I am getting set in my ways. I quit partying 25 years ago, so I don’t go out much these days.

        Like

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