There Be Atheist Monsters Here

Loch Ness Monster

The atheist and the Loch Ness monster

An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.

A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!

***

Atheists and light bulb

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that God did it.

***

Rowing in the lake

A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”

***

Martinis before lunch

A minister, a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist meet in a bar at 10:00 a.m. The bartender asks the minister what he’ll have, and the minister orders a martini. The priest also orders a martini, as does the rabbi. When the bartender asks the atheist what he wants, the atheist says he’d like a cup of coffee. “Why aren’t you having a martini like those guys?” asks the bartender. “Oh,” says the atheist, “I don’t believe in martinis before lunch.”

***

Because he does not bother me!

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?“  And a great voice was heard from above: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”

***

Doctor, Doctor…

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter,
“As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

***

One Of The Differences Between Christians And Atheists

The Christian wakes up, and says, Good Morning God!
The Atheist wakes up, and says, Good God, Morning??

8 thoughts on “There Be Atheist Monsters Here

  1. jim- says:

    A priest and a rabbi were watching a boy skateboarding in the park. Finally the priest says, “man I’d sure like to screw him”. The rabbi replied, “outta what?”

    Like

  2. Great jokes. I’ll pass them on to my husband and kids. I like the atheist and the lightbulb, and HMO manager.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rivergirl says:

    Ha! I don’t believe.. but I’m secretly praying that does happen to the HMO guy.
    😉

    Like

  4. God and Jesus…the Santa Claus of Adults

    Like

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