If a girl sleeps with ten men, she’s a slut….
….If a man does the same thing – he’s gay
Back in my day….
….the panic buying didn’t begin until the bartender yelled, “Last call.”
I was going to do some panic buying, but then I looked at my bank account….
….All I can afford to do is panic.
Not to brag, but….
….I’ve been avoiding people since long before COVID19
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of Corona virus…..
….I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
And the Lord said unto Moses, “Come forth and gain eternal life.”….
….but Moses came fifth, and only won a toaster.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago….
….Now I live in constant fear
I have sex daily….
….I mean dyslexia
A dyslexic man walks into a bra….
I couldn’t believe that the Highway Department called my Dad a thief….
….but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Coles’ Law….
….thinly sliced cabbage
Fact: dogs can’t perform MRIs….
….but catscan
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium got together?….
….OMG
I intend to live forever….
….So far, so good
My wife accused me of being immature….
….I told her to get out of my fort
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving….
….You need a parachute to go skydiving twice
Parallel lines have so much in common….
….It’s a shame they’ll never meet
Someone stole my mood ring….
….I don’t know how I feel about that
My grandfather has the heart of a lion….
….and a lifetime ban from the zoo
Women call me ugly until they hear how much I earn….
….then they call me ugly and poor
I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information about my family….
….They sent me back a package of seeds, and suggested that I just start over.
I have the memory of a woolly mammoth….
….It’s like an elephant’s, but a little fuzzy.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half hour…..
….I said, “Wait, I can change.”
Stupid AutoCorrect….
….makes me type things I didn’t Nintendo
Wouldn’t it be ironic….
….to die in your living room?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games, until you swallow some shampoo….
….then it’s a Soap Opera
Some people are like old TVs….
….They need to be slapped a couple of times to get the f**king picture.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month….
….I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I used to have a fear of hurdles….
….but I got over it
I would tell you a leech joke….
….but it would suck anyways
If a bird makes fun of you….
….it must be a mockingbird
They lived happily….
….till they got married
A good wife always forgives her husband….
….when she’s wrong.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday….
….is to forget it once
Some people just need a comforting pat on the head… with a hammer.
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And risk damaging a perfectly good hammer??! I prefer a well-used Huggies. 😯 😳
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Last call is the only appropriate time to panic….
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The local beer and liquor stores are still open, but with reduced hours. Customers can pile up outside, but only three at a time inside at once – one out – one more in. It’s a good thing I gave up drinking for Lent – ten years ago. 😉 🙄
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Our liquor is in our grocery stores. One stop shopping!
😊
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And in your pharmacies….. 😕 But don’t sell it from the drugstores on Sunday, because that would be unChristian. 🙄
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Heaven forbid!
😉
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Even COVID jokes? Cool, man!
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Thanx Jim! They serve their purposes. 🙂
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Man every time I read your jokes? You make my day brighter. thanks.
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I am pleased to amuse – sometimes even intentionally. 😉 😆
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So much material….
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And I’ve got tons more. I’m going to assemble four more of these this evening. Stop back again in two weeks, or even sooner. 🙂
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[…] A few of the many funny lines from this post: […]
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I laughed out loud at a few of these.
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