Double The Fun

Comedy

Yesterday, I went to my boss and asked, “Can I have next week off for Christmas?”
He said, “It’s MAY.”
“Sorry boss, MAY I have next week off for Christmas?”

***

My roommate claims that I’m schizophrenic….
….The joke’s on him. I don’t have a roommate.

Today is International Cannibal Day….
….Celebrate with a friend

My head says, Gym….
….My heart says, Nachos

My wife tripped and dropped a basket of freshly ironed clothes….
….I just sat back and watched it all unfold

I just bought a new mouse pad….
….That should stop them leaving footprints all over the kitchen

Kids don’t put anything back where they got it….
….unless it’s an empty cereal box

There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman….
….before marriage, and after marriage

A little boy asked his father, “How much does it cost to get married?”….
….Dad replied, “I don’t know. I’m still paying.”

The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

Death and taxes are inevitable….
….but at least death doesn’t keep getting worse

What happens when two raindrops fall in love?….
….They become rain beaus!

A seal walks into a club….

I tried to pack myself into a small suitcase….
….I was so excited, I could hardly contain myself

My religious next-door neighbor worships exhaust pipes….
….He’s a Catholic converter.

My Mother-in-law fell down a wishing well….
….I was amazed. I didn’t know they worked

I’m on a vodka diet….
….I’ve lost three days already

I was never a fan of SpongeBob….
….I prefer dry humor

To the person who stole my glasses….
….I will find you. I have contacts

You should always hang out your laundry….
….otherwise it’s launwet

God moves in mysterious ways….
….but Bishops move diagonally

I have a new theory on inertia….
….but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum

I invented a new word….
….Plagiarism

People who live in glass houses….
….should think twice before making purchases

How do I feel about the Earth’s rotation?….
….It makes my day

A Thesaurus is great….
….There’s no other word for it.

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner….
….Well – it was just collecting dust

My Father suggested that I register for a donor card….
….He’s a man after my own heart

I had a great childhood. My Dad used to put me in a tire and roll me downhill….
….Those were the Goodyears

11 thoughts on “Double The Fun

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    The Catholic converter made me groan and then laugh the loudest. 😀 . Happy Monday? Hope you are aok Archon.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Being a language-nerd, I liked the first one. I had to slip it into a bunch of one-liners, or wait another year.
      Some on the list did it for me, others didn’t, but I know that humor tastes are greatly varied, so I try to include a range. I’m glad that even one gave you a Monday morning smile. 😀
      Ten years retirement has given me a lot of practice with social distancing. I now do some necessary shopping at 7AM, because one grocery chain opens an hour early, just for senior citizens. Local COVID death numbers are low, and largely restricted to retirement homes. I am taking all reasonable precautions.

      Liked by 2 people

      • 1jaded1 says:

        I laughed at most of these, so I don’t know what that says about my sense of humor.

        Glad you are staying healthy. Social Distancing was a way of life for me pre virus so it’s easy for me. I still have to go into the office. No one else is there, so it’s almost like working from home.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Rivergirl says:

    I’m groaning and laughing… so, kudos!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rulesoflogic says:

    Man: Today, I’d like to talk about the serious subject of multiple personality disorder.

    Same Man; No, it isn’t!

    Same Man: Shut up and let him talk!

    The “joke” works better verbally than in writing, if at all.

    Thanks for bringing some levity to this world almost devoid of humor.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s always good to celebrate with a friend. Come on over!
    On second thought, never mind – my oven’s not that big.

    Thanks for the chuckles, Archon.

    Like

  5. I always enjoy these Monday posts, especially with Tropical Storm Arthur here in Virginia today.

    Like

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