What A Difference A Day Makes

calendar

Click to hear Dinah Washington sing my title song

Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company.

Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.

Two Wi-Fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.

***

I called the paranoia hotline the other night.
Some guy answered and said, “How did you get this number?”

***

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. He brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

***

New scientific evidence says that each beer takes 9 minutes off your life.
According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845

***

I didn’t mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for Mute.

***

A fellow-blogger said that she just found out that her sister’s spirit animal is a dickdick. Being a guy, my spirit animal is just a dick. Her sister’s spirit animal is actually a Dik-Dik, but that’s just my spirit animal being a dick.

***

My life hasn’t been the same since the accident.
Co-worker; What accident?
The one where I got my finger caught in that wedding ring.

***

The wife and I had been sitting in the living room for some time. She said, “My butt’s asleep.” I said, “I know. I heard it snore three times.”

***

My wife was feeling ‘frisky’ the other day. She called down from the bedroom, “Come upstairs and make love to me.” I replied, “I can’t do both.”

***

The wife said we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. I replied, “I believe you mean fewer.”

***

Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Ever look at your X, and wonder Y?

***

My son recently went to his doctor. The doctor said, “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.” The son asked why. “So that I can examine you.”

***

The Grandson’s wife was angry at him. I said, “What did you do now?” “I remembered the car seat, the stroller and the diaper bag. She can’t understand how I forgot the baby.”

***

I’m so old, my doctor is a Paleontologist.

***

The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life

1:
2:
3:

***

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,’ Yummy! I smell maple syrup!’

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, ‘Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!’

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, ‘Geez, all I can smell is…

…………………………MOL ASSES!’

***

14 thoughts on “What A Difference A Day Makes

  1. jim- says:

    ”He brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me” and only one not in his prime

    Liked by 3 people

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha at all, especially the less v fewer one. Happy(?) Monday Archon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      I try not to be “That Guy”. , but it’s like giving up sexual innuendo – It’s hard…. Very hard. 😆
      They’re threatening promising to reopen the local Farmers’ Market this coming weekend. I’m growing happier and happier. 😀

      Liked by 3 people

      • Things are starting to reopen here in Virginia. If you get a chance, perhaps you can go online and check out our nice little Yorktown Market Days Food and Artisans Market.

        Liked by 2 people

      • 1jaded1 says:

        Good for you! 🙂

        We reopened Friday and then the mayhem happened Saturday. As a result, the city is pretty much shuttered again. Some businesses in the suburbs have elected to stay closed, too. It’s so disheartening. Target, a company that stayed open during the entire virus, had rows of shopping carts and a police SUV blocking the entrance. It’s just sad.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Rivergirl says:

    A Dik Dik spirit animal must be a doubly wonderful thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jennyjames says:

    Just found this and stole a joke immediately!! Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Richard Portman says:

    Oh man those are some bad jokes.

    Liked by 1 person

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