Being A Baby About One-Liners

Baby

People ask me what I’d like for my 76th birthday….
….I tell them, a paternity suit.

I’ve got rid of all my winter fat….
….Now I have spring rolls.

A bike in town keeps running me over….
….It’s a vicious cycle.

Is a cow that won’t give milk a milk dud….
….or an udder failure?

I’m so good at sleeping….
….I can do it with my eyes closed

I took a video of my shoe yesterday….
….It has some great footage.

Today at the bank, an old woman asked me to check her balance….
….so I pushed her over.

Average things are manufactured….
….in the satisfactory.

My wife says I’m absolutely useless at fixing appliances….
….Well, she’s in for a shock

I have a black belt in origami….
….I made it myself

How many lawyers does it take to fill an ambulance?….
….I don’t know. No-one’s ever tried to save one.

We don’t have an alarm system….
….I was just standing on the cat

A horse walks into a bar….
….The bartender says, ”Hey.”….
….The horse replies, “Sure.”

A hermit is….
….a man who goes off by himself

To improve my sex life I took Viagra and a bit of cannabis….
….I just ended up with stiff joints.

I can eat sugar with either hand….
….I’m ambi-dextrose.

Two guys walk into a bar….
….The third one ducked

Would you like to hear a construction joke?….
….Well, I’m still working on it.

Wanna hear a roof joke?….
….Okay, the first one’s on the house.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing….
….but mean your Mother

Ghosts like to ride in elevators….
….because it raises their spirits

I just spent $10,000 on home improvements….
….Now my home wants to leave me.

I’ve been watching women’s beach volleyball, and there was a wrist injury….
….but I should be okay by tomorrow

If you have a lot of math nerds in your family….
….you have square roots

What do electricians discuss?….
….Current events

 

17 thoughts on “Being A Baby About One-Liners

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Ha!
    Spring rolls and summer squash pretty much describe my current Covid lockdown figure.
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      Oh dear!! I wish you much luck and will power to lose it. I know how you feel. I’ve been snacking from boredom. Something I didn’t mention in my I Have Never Felt So Alive post was that I have a 1 inch hernia at my navel from carrying too much weight around my middle. The doctor told me to finally lose weight…. or I’d unravel. It’s been two months, and I’ve only shed 10 pounds. I have at least another 20 pounds to go.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Good ones! Thanks for the laughs! (ˆ⌣ˆԅ)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    A termite walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      You must hang out with the same disreputable bunch that I do – after I leave early to go to bed. I have that joke in the next group of posts. Do I take it out now…. or leave it in??! Decisions, decisions. 😳

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha those are good ones. Thank you for making me laugh. 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. […] Some much-needed humor from this Archon’s Den post: […]

    Liked by 1 person

  6. unclerave says:

    Great stuff, Archie! A lot of these were new to me! — YUR

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Archon's Den says:

    We do our best to please. Thanx for stopping ’round. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The bar and the home jokes are classics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Archon's Den says:

      I try to select jokes that a wide range of people will find amusing, and still maintain a sort of G rating. It’s harder than it may seem. I occasionally visit the site of a guy who blogs as ‘A Wannabe Joke Writer.’ 8-year-old boys would advise him not to quit his day job. 😯

      Liked by 2 people

  9. That’s what I’m talking about. A flood of One Liners is a good thing from time to time.

    Bill

    Like

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