I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.”
***
Two dogs are trotting down a city street, when they discover a row of parking meters, newly installed on their favorite section of sidewalk. “Look at that!” one dog says to the other, “Pay toilets!”
I took my dog to a bonfire recently. I was enjoying myself, but my dog seemed depressed. Suddenly he started howling and I realized why. We were burning all his toys.
***
I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.
—–
“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.
—–
I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so.
—–
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.
—–
Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.
—–
I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.
—–
The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.
—–
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so that if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately
—–
To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing.
___
The Disappointment Club is pleased to announce that the Friday meeting is cancelled.
***
Stoner thoughts are highdeas.
***
When telephones were tied with a wire – Humans were free
***
Self-esteem is the feeling which makes us attribute our failures to bad luck, and our successes to good judgment.
***
I was looking for that thingy that peels potatoes and carrots. I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me a week ago.
***
A blonde adopted two dogs, and named them Timex and Rolex.
Her friend asked her how she came up with the names.
She replied, “They’re both watch dogs.”
***
Two wind turbines were in a field.
One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other replies, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”
***
Doctor; I’m afraid your condition is fairly advanced.
Patient; It was in its early stages when I first sat down in your waiting room.
***
How does my doctor expect me to lose weight, when every medication he prescribes says, ‘Take with food.’
***
Me: Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Sit there and don’t stir.
I called stop laughing 🤣🤣
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😳
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*can’t stop laughing. So much that my autocorrect felt the need to butt in
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I have no fear of Artificial Intelligence taking over, when I see some of the mess that autocorrect puts out – and I is sure of that. 😦 😳
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Hahahaha..I can’t stop laughing! (((o(*゚▽゚*)o)))
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Happy Monday. 🙂 I owe, I owe. It’s off to work you go.
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Ha! Thanks for the laughs. Have a great week! ⌒°(❛ᴗ❛)°⌒
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Super fish oil?
I’ll have you know I groaned out loud with that one!
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Is that what caused that Carolina quake??! 😉 😆
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Could be.
😉
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Reblogged this on New Bloggy Cat [NBC] and commented:
Eggcellent jokes from a Grumpy Old Dude! (=^・ェ・^=))ノ彡☆
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I got 5 new followers today. I gotta blame at east some of them on you. 😀
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Wow, hi-5! (*´∀`*人*´∀`*) See you’re getting famous already. Thanks to me! LOL!
(Ɔ ˘⌣˘)
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