Egging The Dog On

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma – then it hit me.”

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Two dogs are trotting down a city street, when they discover a row of parking meters, newly installed on their favorite section of sidewalk.  “Look at that!” one dog says to the other, “Pay toilets!”

I took my dog to a bonfire recently.  I was enjoying myself, but my dog seemed depressed.  Suddenly he started howling and I realized why.  We were burning all his toys.

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I’m not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

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“You call this a musical?” asked Les miserably.

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I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

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Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming; I’ve just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

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I gave all my dead batteries away today … free of charge.

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The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical – and whatever you do, don’t try to figure out Who is Who.

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I just ordered a life alert bracelet so that if I ever get a life I’ll be notified immediately

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To the guy who invented “zero” … Thanks for nothing.

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The Disappointment Club is pleased to announce that the Friday meeting is cancelled.

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Stoner thoughts are highdeas.

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When telephones were tied with a wire – Humans were free

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Self-esteem is the feeling which makes us attribute our failures to bad luck, and our successes to good judgment.

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I was looking for that thingy that peels potatoes and carrots.  I asked the kids if they’d seen it.
Apparently she left me a week ago.

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A blonde adopted two dogs, and named them Timex and Rolex.
Her friend asked her how she came up with the names.
She replied, “They’re both watch dogs.”

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Two wind turbines were in a field.
One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other replies, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”

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Doctor; I’m afraid your condition is fairly advanced.
Patient; It was in its early stages when I first sat down in your waiting room.

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How does my doctor expect me to lose weight, when every medication he prescribes says, ‘Take with food.’

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Me: Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Sit there and don’t stir.