My wife asked me to help prepare our 4-year-old for his first day at school….
….So I stole his lunch
Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad….
….Do you think I should let her in?
If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges….
….My door is always open.
There’s nothing like a brisk fall morning….
….To keep me in bed till noon.
There’s no excuse for laziness….
….But if you find one, let me know.
What did the drunk driver die of?….
….Texting.
I just tripped over my wife’s bra….
….It was a booby trap
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?….
….To the I.C.U.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I had to remove your colon….
….Me Why
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented….
….Crows had to drink alone, at home.
Instant gratification….
….Takes too long.
I admit that I live in the past….
….But only because the housing is so much cheaper.
If you are not yelling at your kids….
….You are not spending enough time with them.
USER: The word computer professionals use….
….When they mean idiot.
As soon as the hospital put me in one of those little gowns….
….I knew the end was in sight.
It is better to live one day as a lion….
….Than 100 years as a sheep.
The lion shall lie down with the lamb….
….But the lamb won’t get much sleep.
Bigamy is having one wife too many….
….Monogamy is the same thing.
I have Van Gogh’s ear for music.
They say that marriages are made in Heaven….
….But then, so are thunder and lightning.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food….
….He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
The only flair I have, is in my nostrils.
People who think they know everything….
….Are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Be careful about reading health books….
….You might die of a misprint.
Johnny, where’s your homework?….
….Still inside the pencil.
I like local jokes….
….They’re right up my street.
I felt uncomfortable, driving into the cemetery….
….The GPS declared, “You have reached your final destination.”
When I was young, I was told that anyone could become President….
….I’m beginning to believe it.
I didn’t realize how unsocial I was until there was a pandemic….
….And my life didn’t really change all that much.
Archon's Den 
A lot of good ones in here. Thank you for making me smile
LikeLike
I hope it lasts all week. 😀 😀
LikeLike
Reblogged this on New Bloggy Cat [NBC] and commented:
These jokes are so kool they left me in a daze…∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿
LikeLike
Thanx (again), but if this keeps up, the phrase, “Known to Police” may arise. 😉 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s my pleasure! (/^▽^)/
LikeLiked by 1 person
laughing (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))
LikeLike
😆 😎 🌯
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a long list of groaners…
Though my husband might agree with the booby trap.
LikeLike
Fortunately, my side of the bed is toward the door. The wife leaves so much lying around on her side, that she got out of bed recently, tangled a foot, and banged her head on the wall. 😛
A place for everything, and everything…. wherever she drops it. 😯
LikeLiked by 1 person
Got the day off to a good start. Thanks.
LikeLike
I hope it lasts all week. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m a self-employed freelance writer these days and I am single, so I can definitely relate to that last morsel of humor. My life isn’t much different than it has been the past five years. Thanks for the Monday laughs again.
LikeLike
Don’t you at least have to go out among the madding crowd for occasional inspiration – and COVID?? 😥
I hope there’s enough chuckles there to last you all week. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
My mom had Alzheimer’s disease from 2008-18, so I didn’t get out much, except to Walmart for some grocery shopping. I do need to start going out again this autumn season. Virginia is gorgeous when the leaves change for the year.
LikeLike
We spent a week over in Burke, two years ago, but it was in early August. The trees had not begun to change. We have been down that way in October. The colors are gorgeous. Our area is largely flat farmland, but certain forested parts become beautiful – usually a week or two sooner than VA, because it gets cool here earlier. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
The only thing we need are more red maple trees, as New England definitely has more red colors in autumn than our region.
LikeLike
You are great at delivering chuckles and I love the one where you stole lunch from your 4 year old haha…
LikeLike
Back to school, (for most folks) and another election, are both just around the corner. I made sure to work them both in – using my best picture of tRump. 😯
LikeLiked by 1 person