In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen.”
(This means: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have shat in it.”)
The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Trump’s Presidential run. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”
The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”
tRump suffers from liabetes
A couple were going to go on a vacation down South, but the wife had an emergency at her office. So they agreed that the husband would go as planned, and his wife would fly down and meet him at the hotel the next day.
When the husband got to the hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there OK.
As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his message was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died the day before.
When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the vacationer, let out a piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.
At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:
Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
Two cows are standing in a field.
The first cow says to the second, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.
The second cow replies, “Good thing I‘m a helicopter.”
So all the animals all gathered and were having a party,
Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time, suddenly a chameleon goes to the middle of the room, says, “Check this out” and starts changing color of his skin for a minute straight.
Once he’s done he says, “Let’s see any of you do the same”.
Suddenly an octopus appears from the crowd and says: “Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or whether the road moved under the chicken, depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There was already a chicken on this side of the road.
A beginner’s guide to physics
Relativity: When the family gets together
Black holes: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore
“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title If I Were a Millionaire.” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.