A guy told me that you burn as many calories making love, as you do running 5 miles.
He’s a moron. Who runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
Doctor; (handing me the baby) I’m sorry. Your wife didn’t make it.
Me; (handing the baby back) Then bring me the one my wife made.
You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult, until you catching yourself getting mad because the grocery store changed its layout.
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office, with a view of the city. I drive a $200,000 vehicle, and my company pays me to travel.
My dates seem disappointed to find that I am a bus driver.
Did you hear about the circle who graduated from university?
He had 360 degrees.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent
I was at the post office, when I saw a blonde woman holding an envelope open, and shouting into it.
I said, “What are you doing?”
She replied, “Sending a voice mail.”
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.
“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”
Paddy pulls up to the traffic light, right next to a stunning-looking girl. He smiles, and rolls his window down. She smiles back and rolls her window down also. Paddy says, ‘Have you farted, as well?’
Pat: I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
Mike: What happened?
Pat: I lost the case.
A duck stood next to a busy road, waiting for a break in traffic
A chicken walked up to him and said, ‘Don’t do it man. You’ll never hear the end of it.’
Joe: My friend Al went bald years ago, but he still carries a comb around with him.
Pete: Why does he do that?
Joe: He just can’t seem to part with it.
Sometimes you just gotta sit back, grab a drink, and face the fact that people are idiots.