A guy told me that you burn as many calories making love, as you do running 5 miles.
He’s a moron. Who runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
***
Doctor; (handing me the baby) I’m sorry. Your wife didn’t make it.
Me; (handing the baby back) Then bring me the one my wife made.
***
You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult, until you catching yourself getting mad because the grocery store changed its layout.
***
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office, with a view of the city. I drive a $200,000 vehicle, and my company pays me to travel.
My dates seem disappointed to find that I am a bus driver.
***
Did you hear about the circle who graduated from university?
He had 360 degrees.
***
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent
***
I was at the post office, when I saw a blonde woman holding an envelope open, and shouting into it.
I said, “What are you doing?”
She replied, “Sending a voice mail.”
***
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
***
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.
“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”
***
Paddy pulls up to the traffic light, right next to a stunning-looking girl. He smiles, and rolls his window down. She smiles back and rolls her window down also. Paddy says, ‘Have you farted, as well?’
***
Pat: I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
Mike: What happened?
Pat: I lost the case.
***
A duck stood next to a busy road, waiting for a break in traffic
A chicken walked up to him and said, ‘Don’t do it man. You’ll never hear the end of it.’
***
Joe: My friend Al went bald years ago, but he still carries a comb around with him.
Pete: Why does he do that?
Joe: He just can’t seem to part with it.
***
I’m not saying, let’s go out and kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying, let’s remove all the warning labels, and let the problem sort itself out.
***
Sometimes you just gotta sit back, grab a drink, and face the fact that people are idiots.
