When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring….
I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said ‘Mom’.
I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.
How did she know I was up to no good?
***
Trump managed to do in 4 years, what 80% of presidents didn’t do in 8 years.
Lose an election
***
Two women were playing golf.
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.
She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked ‘How does that feel’?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!
***
A man goes to see a fortune teller.
She begins “your name is Steve”, “Wrong”.
“Your favourite colour is green”, “Wrong”.
“You have a dead uncle who passed away 2 years ago”, “Wrong”.
“Your wife’s name is Carol”, “Wrong”
“You have 2 children named John and Christian”, “Wrong”.
“You are a painte…”, “Wrong”.
Getting flustered the woman asks “What in bloody hell do you do then?”
“I investigate fraud.”
***
A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.”
The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”
***
What happens when you put a sex-crazed female donkey and Donald Trump in the same room??
Nothing! Even donkeys have standards.
***
WEBSITE IDEA: “HOT OR NOT?”
Where husbands post pictures of thermostats, and other guys comment on whether to turn it up or down.
***
Did you know today is Pancake Day? Apparently it just crêped up on us….
***
I don’t believe in a deity, but I faithfully observe all holidays that involve baked goods or candy.
***
I don’t think I was a difficult teenager, but I’m not sure my parents would agree. One night, we were discussing over dinner what we wanted to have happen when we died. I said I didn’t want a funeral; I wanted a party. Without a pause, my mom said, ”Oh, there’ll be a party.”
***
Jesus decided to help St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. A very old man approached. Jesus asked him what he had done in his life. The old man replied that he was a carpenter.
Jesus looked closely. “Is it??…. Is that you, father?
The old man peered back at him. “Is that you, Pinocchio?
I can’t pick a funniest one. I’m going to try as I try to stop my sides from hurting.
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I hope I don’t get sued for that. I gotta check with my lawyer to see if I’m liable. 😉
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[…] It’s Called Theft […]
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Thanx. 🙂
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(((((Hehehehe…can’t stop laughing)))) ⤴︎(ง ˃̶͈̀ᗨ˂̶͈́)۶ ⤴︎
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Isn’t having that much fun illegal where you live?? 🙂
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Yes, it is! But it’s also a place where you can get away with anything (even murder) if you have lots of $$$$$. 😝
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The laughs creped up on me as well.
👍
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I’m a tortilla man, myself. No joke. 😉
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Haha! My favorite is the first one…pocketing a phone till mom called.
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I get the feeling that he’s blond. 😳
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LOL! Blond dude!! Love the jokes! Thanks.
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Thanks for the Tuesday laughs on a cold December 1st day in Yorktown, Virginia.
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Take all the jokes you need to warm up. Temperature dropped below freezing last night, so the drizzly rain turned into about 3″ of light fluffy snow – the second snow this fall. 👿
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Wow! We still have plenty of golden autumn leaves here in Yorktown, Virginia this year.
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The last one melted off, but we got another inch last night, and I think it will stay till spring. 😳
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Since we’re near the water, some years we don’t get any snow, but I prefer about three snowstorms per year.
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Wicked in parts. Delightful all the way through.
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I appreciate your appreciation. 🙂
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