Looking At More One-Liners

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall….
….Police are looking into it

I would tell you a COVID joke….
….But it would take you two weeks to get it.

If you jumped off a bridge in Paris….
….You’d be in Seine

No matter how much you push the envelope….
….It will still be stationery

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference….
….He got that way from too much pi

Two silkworms had a race….
….They both ended up in a tie

When the cannibals ate the missionary….
….They got a taste of religion

Einstein developed a theory about space….
….And it was about time, too

I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall….
….I thought, that’s a little condescending.

I went into a book store, and asked if they had anything on turtles….
….”Hardback?”

I like to have my cake, and eat it too….
….I’d also like to have your cake and eat it too.

An Optimist laughs to forget….
….A Pessimist forgets to laugh.

I am a mental tourist….
….My mind wanders.

The closest to perfect a person ever comes….
….Is when they fill out a job application.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
….I need to figure out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend.

A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a pricing gun….
….Police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

I know the voices in my head aren’t real….
….But sometimes they have great ideas.

My girlfriend said she got a tattoo of a chameleon….
….I don’t see it

I haven’t lost all my marbles….
….But there’s definitely a hole in the bag.

How many general-relativity theoreticists does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Two.  One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

Why can’t you take electricity to social outings?….
….Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.

What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?….
….Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive. But seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.

What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?….
….Gotta split.

I was gonna go on a diet….
….But I’ve got too much on my plate right now.

The technical name for a coffee at work….
….is, Break Fluid.

 

16 thoughts on “Looking At More One-Liners

  1. Rivergirl says:

    Love these! I always mean to remember them, but never do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. rulesoflogic says:

    Awesome collection of one-liners, sir! I will use a few of them in my blog and will remember to give attribution.

    Stay safe and be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Thanks! For 90 seconds there I forgot all about politics!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The rotating space one made me laugh the most.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    Hahahahahaha! PI for the win. The rest are hilarious too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. johnlmalone says:

    this is utterly hilarious and clever: count me in: I’m a follower !!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. (((((still laughing)))) Mental tourist? (⑅∫°ਊ°)∫

    Liked by 1 person

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