I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles….
….My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
This is the first time I don’t go to Fiji due to the pandemic….
….I normally don’t go because I’m broke as fuck.
My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish….
….He had a horrible end…. but a nice finish.
If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life-vest….
….I would miss you a lot.
You should not call someone a cannibal….
….Refer to them as Humanitarians.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today….
….That makes seven years in a row.
I told my wife that I have the body of a Greek god….
….She explained that Buddha is not Greek.
I donated my body to Science….
….Science donated my body to Goodwill
Is it irony when you pray to God to remove “your family’s problem”….
….And the next day, you’re in Heaven?
We wanted to be adults, so badly….
….Just f**king look at us now.
Constipated people are not trustworthy….
….They are full of shit.
I was invited to a party, and told to dress to kill….
….Apparently a turban, a beard and a backpack weren’t what they meant.
To err is human….
….To forgive is against company policy.
Why doesn’t room 404 exist?….
….There’s no room for error.
What is a fear of chainsaws called?….
….Common sense
I saw an ad in the paper, “Yacht for sale.”….
….As if people don’t know what a yacht is for.
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, young, old, at the end of the day….
….It’s night.
One useless man is a shame….
….Two is a law firm.
I moved into an igloo, and my friends threw me a house-warming party….
….Now I’m homeless.
My mother told me I could be anyone I wanted….
….Turns out identity theft is illegal.
I needed to set a new password….
….I tried putting in ‘penis,’ but it told me it was too short.
I asked my wife what she was ‘burning for dinner.’….
….Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
My wife claims that I’m cheap….
….But I’m not buying it
You’re lucky that’s all your wife burned.
😉
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The stove timer doesn’t work. She relies on the smoke detector. 😉 😳
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Oddly enough we had a neighbor down south who said her children knew when to come in to dinner when the smoke alarm went off..
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The one about constipated people REALLY cracked me up! Thanks for the much-needed comic relief.
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. 😀
A little preview. I think that joke gets published in four weeks. Don’t forget to subscribe. 😯
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🤣🤣🤣👍
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Awwww… Yer just sayin’ that. 😳 Wait a minute – yer not. actually saying it, but thanx. 😀
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Well of course I enjoyed it and had a good laugh. Thanks
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((((((still laughing))))….constipated and new password. (/^▽^)/
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Happy to have been of service. 😀
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~ヾ(^∇^)
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