Pooling My One-Liners

Hear about the snowman who had a big temper-tantrum?….
….It was a real meltdown

I was going to make an anti-masker joke….
….But my parents taught me not to make fun of the mentally disabled.

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s four-year-old crying?….
….Midlife crisis

How do we know that the Corona virus wasn’t made in China?….
….Because we’ve had it for almost a year, and it’s still working.

The spread of COVID depends on two things….
….How dense the population is.
….How dense the population is.

What sound do sheep make?….
….If you don’t vote, you can’t complain.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people….
….But none of them work

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate….
….I said, “Just you wait.”

Will glass coffins be a success?….
….Remains to be seen

The guy who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray….
….Is a seasoned veteran now.

I can tell people who are judgemental….
….Just by looking at them

A backward poet….
….Writes inverse

C, E Flat, And G walk into a bar….
….The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve Minors.”

The constipated mathematician….
….Worked it out with a pencil.

I know the voices aren’t real….
….But they come up with some great ideas.

My name is Microsoft….
….Can I crash at your place tonight?

Man gets hit by rented car….
….Said it Hertz

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject….
….Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I called my specialist to make an appointment….
….His receptionist answered, “Urology, can you please hold?”

I’m so cheap that, when I die, and go toward the light….
….I’m going to turn it off

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden….
….The plot thickens.

My ‘good old days’….
….Were when I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.

My friend claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his dog will retrieve it….
….I think that’s a bit far-fetched.

The first annual meeting of the Camouflage Club was a disaster….
….It looks like no-one showed up.

Venison for dinner again?….
….Oh deer.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home….
….Details are sketchy

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”….
…. The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

A dentist and a manicurist got married….
….They fought tooth and nail.

A will is….
….a dead giveaway.

23 thoughts on “Pooling My One-Liners

  1. Omg 😂😂😂
    Those were really funny. I can’t stop laughing

    Like

  2. Rivergirl says:

    That constipated mathematician was truly cringe worthy.
    😉

    Like

  3. Jim Wheeler says:

    Being among the older crowd, I especially like this one:

    The spread of COVID depends on two things….
    ….How dense the population is.
    ….How dense the population is.

    Like

    • Archon's Den says:

      Young Prime Minister Trudeau, and his ASSistants have screwed up delivery of COVID vaccine. There will be a tiered rollout, where I might get my jab sometime in April. Being 5 years older than the wife, she will have to wait even longer. 😦 😯

      Like

  4. rulesoflogic says:

    Hysterical! Much appreciated, sir.

    Like

  5. Great Monday humor!

    Like

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Yay! You may have out done yourself, Archon. I starred this in my inbox. You make Mondays happy when you post these bits of humor. Thank you.

    Like

  7. Newbloggycat says:

    Reblogged this on New Bloggy Cat [NBC] and commented:
    Have a good laugh with these great one liners…..I’m still laughing (“⌒∇⌒”)

    Like

  8. Aadya singh says:

    Oh my goodness!!! 🤣🤣🤣 the jokes! Some of the them can one go bananas!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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